Robin: common European songbird

The same thing I have always wanted to be; a singer.

So why aren’t I? 

To be honest, I never thought I was good enough. My earliest memory of trying to be a singer, a musician who shared with the world my creation was from the first grade. It was time for the schools talent show, so with the help of my mom I wrote a few verses, came up with a melody and set my foot to the path with expectations for greatness. What happened?  An older girl who had seen my practise made a simple off hand remark about how she couldn’t hear me very well. My infant soul wasn’t ready for its offering to be criticized. I was crushed and never went back to the talent show.

A grade or so later my class put on the Wizard of Oz. Afraid to compete with the other girls who I thought were prettier than me, and therefore more suited to the role of Dorthy, I sidestepped and played the Cowardly Lion. Don’t get me wrong, I was an excellent Cowardly Lion, but looking back it is comical to realize just how fitting the role really was. At least I did sing, louder than many of the other kids.

In fifth grade I took voice lessons, but being undisciplined and still self doubting I quit after only a few short months because I thought it was a waste of my parents money.

In junior high I joined choir. This would be a musical safe harbor for the next six years of my life. I loved choir, I loved the rush of performing, I loved being on stage and singing. I even loved the God awful dresses we had to wear. Yet, even the calm waters my shadow of fear was always with me, whispering every time I was passed up for a solo or one of my choir mates looked at me funny. At both my junior high and high schools I was in the “best” choirs but always felt like I was the loser who just barely made it past the velvet ropes. I remember the first few weeks of my junior year being terrified as I went to class each day. Feeling ashamed and awkward that I didn’t belong, even though my audition had clearly showed I did. Even though there was no where else I wanted to be. With encouragement and time it got a little easier, a little.

My senior year, I decided to put my effort into my music. Up until now Choir was one of a dozen extra curricular activities I did. I cleared out my schedule, got a job and paid for my voice lessons. I went faithfully and was even rewarded with my own solo at our spring show. I decided to be gutsy and auditioned for the School of Music at Cal State Long Beach, and I was rejected. I took this rejection to be a final seal on my destiny and I quite my voice lessons. I still have the letter.

Since then I have played with singing here and there. Took a semester of choir in college. I sang for the kids at my church for a while, I still sing chords when I can remember. Earlier this year a friend and I dabbled in writing our own songs. I lived off the high for weeks. All my heart really wants to do is sing.

It is another proof of Gods impeccable timing that this topic came up in the #novemberblogfest today. You see, in the back of my mind I have had a different whisper lately, one that tells me not to give up, one to ask for what my heart really wants. One that tells me to start praying for a band.

I had toyed with the idea of sharing this, and had decided against it. I thought it would be silly. Just another experience of putting my heart out there without reciprocation. I was going to let my fear win, yet again. This amazing thing that Novemberblogfest has become has required authenticity and honesty which I would never have expected, and to answer the question of what I want to be with any answer other than a musician would be a lie.

As far as starting a band goes, it would be a dream come true to have someone to journey along with. I offer my love of singing, an alto-soprano vocal range and a poetic soul. I am after all, Jessica Robin; a common European songbird.

Continuing the adventure, 

Jess