Some days, I feel like my life is nothing more than a long sequence of rubber bands being stretched, and stretched, and then stretched some more until they finally break. They snap, and any fingers caught in the action sting a little.
My soul, stings a little.
Take for example, my foray in a creative business.
We built the studio, we manned our stations, and we created, if nothing else, great expectations for what the future would hold.
Then SNAP the studio goes bust.
Or maybe my finances.
I bought hardly anything new last year. What I did buy, I tried to bide my time and really save for it. Loverboy and I have been trying really hard to live within our means.
Then SNAP I feel like its all for nothing and have an itch for a shopping spree.
Or maybe my health.
This week I spent three days eating nothing but fruits, meat and veggies. I was doing really good with walking for the last few weeks, and I have tried to do yoga too.
Then SNAP I ate mostly Doritos and chili today.
Or maybe the collection of haggardly put together words which I am calling a novel.
I’ve worked on it for more than a year now, completely rewrote it at one point. I braved the rejection letters from agents and decided to publish it myself. I am pushing through to make it happen!
SNAP The characters aren’t behaving. SNAP I realize I have abused the word “That” so much I no longer know when it is appropriate. SNAP I use ‘was not’ in half the novel and ‘wasn’t’ in the other half.
Or what about music?
Loverboy bought me a piano for Christmas; I started singing and writing right away.
SNAP oh SNAP I don’t know HOW TO WRITE MUSIC!
Or what about my constant fight with the darkness?
I have been feeling really great these past few weeks. The fog had finally cleared out of my head and I felt like a normal person again.
SNAP All I have wanted to do today is crawl into a hole and sleep until Jesus comes.
Speaking of Jesus…
SNAP, let’s just leave it right there.
Do you see the pattern? It is the ever so frustrating dance of two steps forward and fall on my ass. It’s like a foxtrot from my own personal hell. I just want to scream because I don’t see how I can ever affect real change in my life if I am continually snapping back into old habits.
Luckily, Jesus showed up while I was peeling the potatoes. He whispered to me about how it is a journey, a process and reminded me of how far I’ve come.
How a year ago, I would have crawled into a hole until life madeˆme come out. Today, I took a shower and instantly felt better. Later, we’re going for a walk.
The piano I have because music is part of who He made me to be, and the sounds I make are an offering to Him. By the way, I don’t actually know how to play a piano, so learning scales is right where I need to be.
The novel I am writing is for His purpose and glory. It will get done in His timing as long as I stay steady.
My health is actually getting better. Life has changed, and it is taking me time to adjust to the changes, but the amount of fast food which Loverboy and I have been consuming has drastically decreased.
Our finances are slowly but surely coming under our control. The best word in that sentence is “our”. Loverboy and I are on the same page of what is important and where we’re going.
The business not making it was a hard thing, but I don’t regret it. I tease that I have a Masters Degree in business failure, but there is truth in that statement. I view the time we had Marchen Studios as an education in many things.
I guess the lesson is to keep tying the rubber band together, to remember the knots in your story. Keep stretching. The sting only lasts for a little while.
Continuing the adventure,
Jess
Jess Boctor 
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