A few weeks ago the Lady sent me a card.
It pretty much just said, “SING!”
Around the same time Veronika Luu started encouraging me to sing with her. We wrote a song together this week and shared it this morning with the community at Mosaik. Admittedly, my nerves got me, but the community was very encouraging all the same.
Admittedly, my apartment is not turning out to be the “we rescued everything from the trash” repurposed haven I wanted it to be. There have been a few trips to Ikea. Most of our furniture was given to us from friends.
However, I still persist (much to Paul’s dismay). We managed to cajole a nice polish man to haul a bedroom set from the trash to our apartment for us. I braved the stingy nettles and blackberry thorns for an old lantern. There is a slab of marble in our bedroom which I know I will just do something with.
I brought these liquor bottles home from work. They are so nice and simple. I really like the white caps. I have plans for them to eventually go into our bathroom. For now they make great vases.
It’s great seeing these cheery tulips every morning. I hope you enjoy them too!
Continuing the adventure,
Jess
Just don’t do it.
Don’t put in me in a position to hurt you, because ultimately, I will. I am human. I am often too quick with my wit and not fast enough with my heart. I will excitedly overpromise and underdeliver. I will let you down. Then we’ll both feel crummy about it.
I am often amazed at the people God brings into my life. The people He entrusts me with and what fragile wonderous treasures they are. I wonder why He does.
“It’s like giving a toddler a piece of crystal.” I said this to my friend as we walked through the spring woods one morning. I was lamenting behavior which was abrupt and hurtful to someone else. I didn’t believe I had done anything wrong but still felt convicted about the outcome. As I go through life, I am realizing it is so much more about how I do something rather than what I do.
For example, holding boundries. Boundries are a good thing. They are healthy and help people to develop functional relationships. However, defining what I am able to give doesn’t necessitate being rude or dismissive.
“Let all that you do be done in Love.” 1st Corinthians 16:14
This is my goal.
So, if you’re not ready to have your feelings hurt, steer clear of me. But you are ready to walk alongside as I try to figure out how to live a life of love, then I’m your gal.
Continuing the adventure,
Jessica
I am a fairly capable and confident person.
As a result of this my loved ones have come up with a phrase to describe my ability, or stubbornness, to do things on my own. Jessi do it. They throw this phrase out when they know I’ve bitten off more than I can chew. Much like a pin pops a ballon they use this phrase to remind me it’s okay to ask for help when my ambition and insistence to do things on my own expands wildly out of control.
Mostly they use it because it’s true, most of the time I really believe I can do anything.
Then there are days like today.
Today my confidence is shaken. Today whispers fill my mind about what a dimwit I am. Today it is just frustrating to be me. Of course it all started yesterday when I locked our dog, cell phone, wallet, and keys into our new apartment. 100€ later and all were rescued but I couldn’t help thinking “today is one of those days where it sucks to be me.”
This morning Paul and I woke up early to go pick up his visa at the Auslanderamt. The problem is that I made the wrong appointment to pick up a nonexistent ID card and not his visa. Waste of time. Once again it sucks to be me. Sigh. It’s these days when I have to be reminded who I am in Christ. I am someone who is loved and valuable despite my life skills handicap. I am here for a reason even if it is simply to fund the locksmiths career.
I’m Jessi. And I can do this.
Continuing the adventure,
Jess
A few weeks ago I wrote about the decision I made to be at peace-no matter what was happening around me.
Not as easy as it sounds.
In many ways I have achieved what I set out to do. The swings from desperation to elation have evened out. I rely on my belief God has me here for a reason. I feel more level and can think a little bit more clearly when a new fill-in-the-blank-issue (and there is always a new issue) arises. I have learned to not let external things control me or dictate my state of mind.
I feel at peace.
Or at least stable.
I realize though that I have not yet learned to completely release these issues, or more importantly, I am not releasing the symptoms of these issues. As much as I love my life and the adventure I am able to participate in, I cannot deny it has been stressful. My body is no longer letting me deny it.
I’ve had a interesting range of symptoms from a strange knot in my neck which would not go away for two weeks, to a supressed immune system which is letting me catch every cold floating around, to a migrain which put me out of comission for three days. Paul is beginning to think I am a hypochondriac but I am realizing many of these things are related to stress. It seems I am more than willing to release the outcome of an issue but I am holding onto to the associated stress. Everything from the last few months has been pressed down and compressed within me. It is to the point that it is spilling out through these strange illnesses. I just keep slapping bandages of “decisions to be at peace” over them.
The bandaids aren’t holding.
So this week we are moving to our new apartment (Yay!), and afterwards I am taking a day off. A Sabbath of letting go of stress and holding onto my God.
Continuing the adventure,
Jess
I want to be upfront and say I don’t have the answer for any of what I am about to write.
My experience in church, and faith based communities has been interesting. Lately, I have been thinking about the differences and similiarities between these organizations. The pros and cons. What I am left with is this question:
How do we create a place where we love and point to Jesus?
Maybe you have a group who does this really well. My experience has often been that the Church (worldwide-big ‘C’) generally swings from one to the other.
They may point you to Jesus but they’ll hit you over the head with scripture, guilt, and shame as they do.
Or -on the otherside- you will be embraced and loved but in the name of acceptance no one will point you to Jesus.
Canvas, India Ink, Conte Crayon, Acrylic
Continuing the adventure,
Jessica
Jess Boctor 