Author: Jess Boctor

My internal monologue has taken a direction towards the Shakespearean tragedy today. Specifically around the indecisive prince; Hamlet.

Just as the young prince was haunted and shamed by his dead father; I have my own appiration to face. A double edged sword which those closest to me have termed, “Jessie do it.”

You see, this undaunted belief that I can do anything has given me amazing opportunities and allowed me to try without (much) fear of failure. At the same time it has also placed me in situations where I have had to live with the consequences of being brave and of risk. When you have no fear of failure there is usually a trail of it following you around somewhere.

This can lead to a manic and indecisive life, a question of to be or not to be always plaguing the mind. To risk or not to risk making your heart doubt.

So what does this have to with vanity?

It would be my undoing.

When you risk you have to have something to back it up with. You have to believe that you’re up for the challenge. As an artist you have to believe you have something to offer.

It takes balls.

So what gives an artist their courage? It either comes from within or from an external source. In my case it has to come from God.

If I ever lose sight of the fact that I am on this path because I have trusted God and who He made me to be then my only option will to turn to vanity. To fill my head with ideas of how amazing I am. To repeat to myself false self assurances and pep talks, and to be constantly sweeping my trail of failure under the rug.

To me that just seems exhausting, and exhaustion is a lifestyle I am all too well acquainted. So I will keep the author of my story at the forefront of my mind as I continue the adventure and run from vanity.

Jess

Dear Jon, 

You got married on Saturday and I couldn’t be happier for you. Your wife is a beautiful and amazing person, and it is wonderful to see you smitten. You’re leaving soon and taking her back with you to Florida. I think God has some amazing adventures in store for you both, and you some new lessons to come with them.

But always remember how to jive and wail.

I love you both.

Your little big sister,

Jess

Pa meh wak.

Joel 1:11-12

Be ashamed, O tillers of the soil;

wail, O vinedressers,

for the wheat and the barley,

because the harvest of the field has perished.

The vine dries up;

the fig tree languishes.

Pomegranate, palm, and apple,

all the trees of the field are dried up,

and gladness dries up

from the children of man.

The day of the Lord is coming. He is coming to claim what is His here on earth, what He has entrusted to us to care for and raise up for His honor. 

I fear He will be coming back to empty fields.

The first time I read the passage above, another verse flashed in my mind:

Matthew 9:35-37

And Jesus went throughout all the cities and vilages, teaching in their synagogues and proclaiming the gospel of the kingdom and healing every disease and every affliction. 

When he saw the crowds, he had compassion for them, because they were harrassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd.

Then he said to his disciples, “The harvest is plentiful, but larborers are few; therefore pray earnestly to the Lord of the harvest to send out laborers into his harvest.”

Let me see if I can clearly communicate the connection which was revealed to me, and how aptly I feel it describes the current condition of the church. 

Two thousand years ago, when Jesus walked the earth He knew there were people in the world just waiting for Him. People who needed help, to be given justice, to be guided, who just needed someone to see them and love them. People who would respond if only they were given the chance.

So He tells us to pray for workers. He says we need to ask for those who will go out to the multitudes and bring His good news to them, because there will always be a plentiful harvest if someone will go out to do the work.

Now, lets come back to the present. 2000 years later and the harvest is still great. The masses who are waiting for the justice, love, and compassion which we are to bring are still waiting. And waiting.

And waiting.

We don’t have enough workers. 

We have found ourselves in a place where statistics tell us that for every ten people filling a church pew, only 2 will actually give their time, talent and treasure to serve God. We have fostered a culture of religion which allows for and excuses inaction and laziness. 

Meanwhile, the harvest is dying in the fields.

So let’s wail, fellow vinedressers. Let’s cry out to God for more workers. Let’s plead for Him to pour His Spirit over those who have not yet engaged in their role in the body of Christ. Pray that those who are asleep woud be awakened.

Let us stir up a revival so the gladness of men will not dry up and we are not ashamed at His returning. 

Continuing the adventure,

Jess

What I find the most amazing about the God I serve is that He is every where. He is in the wind when I sit still by the water, the knot in my stomach when I need discernment, the laughter of my husband when we spend time together, and I can always sense Him in music.

So why would I be surprised when in the midst of a small theater of strangers and dressed outside of my comfort zone, God showed up. He met me there, in the middle of rock conert to remind me wherever I am, I can meet with Him.

Take a moment, and meet Him wherever you are. Maybe this will help.

Continuing the adventure,

Jess

You can also check out the videos from Saturdays performance at Kroq.

In continuation of my thoughts about the amazing adventure which was last night, I want to share what an amazing power music has.

Last night, Paul and I arrived at the Grammy’s museum for the show with Mumford and Sons which was sponsered by Kroq and CBS. Paul and I had amazing seats in the front row. As the show was getting ready to start, two gentleman walked in. Paul and I immediately recongized them from their recent pilot for Traffic Light (which I highly advise you to watch). My neighbor for the evening was Nelson Franklin, and sitting next to him was David Denman*.

I understand, they are two people just like the rest of us. They have stories; some of which are probably similar to mine and some of which are different than mine. Yet I still couldn’t help but feel there was a divid between us. The had on gold wrist bands, while mine was blue. They are established in their creative careers while my novel is sitting on a shelf. 

Then the band came on the stage and once again, another divide was noticeable. These are muscians who have sky rocketed into the front of the industry. Next to me are actors who are making a living at their trade. I am a writer whenever I am brave enough to claim it.

Here is the reason I love music; with the first chord, the divide melted away.

The band played, Mr. Denman and Mr. Franklin stamped their feet, and I clapped my hands while trying so hard (and failing) not to sing out loud with the lyrics. For those few songs our ages, nationalities, sex, and career status didn’t matter as we all participated and enjoyed the exuberant and soul pinging music. 

Afterward, we all seperated into our normal spheres. The band jumped into a van. Paul and I meandered the terrace of the Grammy museum. Mr. Franklin and Mr. Denman talked off to the side.

But for a little while, we shared the same space.

Continuing the adventure,

Jess

*I want to be clear that David Denman and Nelson Franklin were very kind and in no way gave the impression of being superior or more important than me. They have worked very hard to be where they are and deserve all the perks they get. When Paul finally dragged my courage out of me and I introduced myself they were very gracious; including taking a picture with me for the blog. Please do watch their new show; it is very clever and speaks about the journey of life. A topic which you all know is dear to my heart.

On Friday morning Paul won tickets to go see Mumford and Sons. We were stoked.

We have been trying to figure out a way to see them for a while now; but finances, availability of tickets, and time have prevented us. So to be able to go see them in concert was an amazing gift. Thanks KROQ.

We expected the tickets to be for a large venure and we most likely had nose bleed seats. What we received was so much more than we imagined; much more than we were prepared for.

When Paul called for the details he was told it was for a pre-grammy party at a small venue with a dress code. The dress code caught me off guard, as it was described as “club” and I had no idea what that meant.

Luckily, I have a few fashion savy friends who answered my plea for a definition; it meant to dress to impress, no jeans, no tennis shoes. This put me in a panic stage of mind as I didn’t think I had anything to match this description with the exception of a pair of high heels. I don’t own anything between vintagesque cali beach bum and formal attire. 

Paul and I power shopped through the mall, which is one of my least favorite experiences in the world, and found me a dress. I managed to wrangle my hair into something resembling an up-do. I put on make-up without overdoing the smokey-eyes into you lost a battle with a ninja black eyes. All in all I think we managed to pull it off.

The show was amazing; the entire evening was amazing. 

However, I couldn’t quite shake the feeling it would be a little more amazing if I had been more prepared. If I had in my bag of tricks an easy up-do which worked everytime. If I put enough effort into wearing makeup that I didn’t panic every time I wanted to be a little fancy. If in my closet, I had one dress which always looked amazing so I didn’t have to panic shop at the last minute. If I had a little more self confidence in who I am so I would be prepared for any situation; especially those which are beyond my imagination.

This has been a recurring question in my times with God and in my life: Are you ready? 

I feel like everytime I ask Him for the dream, He simply quietly asks, “are you ready?” I think this is an important question, because God doesn’t ever want to just answer our prayers, He wants to go above and beyond. God knows we dream too small and He wants to give us life, and life more abundantly.

But we have to do our part.  We can’t expect God to reward our laziness. We have to give of our time, talents and teasures in the pursuit of the dream. So we can be as prepared as possible for whereever His plans take us. I am fully confident He will reward the little we have to offer with amazing things if we are faithful in doing so.

¹⁰ Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. Test me in this,” says the LORD Almighty, “and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that there will not be room enough to store it.”

Malachi 3:10

Continuing the adventure,

Jess