Author: Jess Boctor

⁹ But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. ¹⁰ That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10

A few weeks ago, I shared I had auditioned for a musical. I went as an offering to God, to honor the person I believe He is creating in me; and to show I am willing to go when I feel the Holy Spirit nudge me along. This transformation will be a long process, because, as I have shared multiple times, currently music is a weakness of mine. My musical talents are anemic, as they have been starved by my fear of failure for so long.

It was a risk for me to go to the audition. It risked my pride, my dreams, and the little part of my soul which gets left on the stage whenever I sing for others.

My risk was rewarded, but maybe not how you think.

I was not cast in the musical. I did not amaze the director into giving this unknown the lead. I was rewarded in a different way. I received a call from the director who let me know they thought I did very well at the audition, but unfortunately, they were not able to cast me because they are keeping a small cast and they had some of their big players come out to audition for the show. This director is family friend and knows I have a talent and history in set design, so she asked me instead if I would be willing to do the props for the show. 

This is how amazing God is. 

I risked the dream; which in all honesty, would put me in a very strange a stressful position right now. As this would have been my first show in a very long time, I would have been open to all sorts of attacks about my worth and abilities. It would have been very easy for the dream to be turned into a nightmare by my own weakness. So instead of granting the dream, all right now, God has given me the first step. Set design is a strength of mine. It comes naturally to me and requires much less effort on my part than performing. It will require less of a time commitment, which is good because my life is gearing up to be very busy in the coming weeks. In this way, I get to introduce myself to these other theater artists not in my weakness, but in a strength.

Don’t misunderstand me, set design is not the goal and I have not lost sight of the dream. I am not settling in any way; I am moving forward with the understanding that it will all take time. My weaknesses will become my strengths when I wait in the power of Christ.

Continuing the adventure,

Jessi 

Part of knowing who you are is knowing you weaknesses.

Cats are Kryptonite to me.

Which is a little heart wrenching when have these three adorable kittens hanging out under my window.

Continuing the adventure,

Jessica

I had a bit of an Obi-Wan Kenobi moment the other night as my friend and blogging student*, Cristin Smith, explained to me where the disconnect of my blog has been. I swear, somewhere nearby someone was breathing deeply and saying, “I was but the learner; now I am the master.”

However, Cristin looks much better in black.

Our discussion centered around the journals I make and the journals I use. Cristin pointed out to me the draw of anything I make is not the thing itself, it’s the story of the person who made it. She pointed to my stack of abused and tatterd journals and called them sex appeal.

I laughed.

I think they would be better described as the ravings of lunatic. Still, I’m the lunatic and those are my ravings. They’re my story; captured in words, pictures and tidbits I have a habit of stealing. They go back as far as September of 1997 and are an important reminder of the twists and turns my adventure has taken.

These books have affirmed for me depression really is something I have dealt with all my life. You only need to read through these books to see the thread of sadness which pierces me. 

These books remind me all I have ever really wanted to do with my life is write and sing. I have been a prolific writer, most often about my love of music.

These books remind of the times in my life when I had joy and peace. They remind of the times when I struggled through trajedy. They remind me of the times I have been right where I needed to be, and the times I have gotten off track. 

Most importantly, they remind me of the work of God in my life.

You see, I have finally figured out what the heck I am designed to do***. God has created and gifted me to engage people in their unique roles and draw them into the shared experience of humanities story.

So what does that mean?

It means I see you. I see who you as a unique individual with an identity all your own. I see what your hang ups are and what your gifts are. I see beyond who you are today, and look to who God designed you to be.**

 

And when I see you, I see the story around you. I see how other characters have affected you, and conversely, you them. I see the larger movement of culture and society. I see how the little things we do as individuals cause ripple affects which turn into tidal waves.

This is who I am.

And it is why journals are such a big part of my life. They are the way in which we record, remember, and recognize who we have been, who we are, and who we dream about being. 

They are our lives, captured.

Continuing the adventure, 

Jessica

 

*blogging student is a hyperbole; she wanted to start blogging so I tormented her into doing so

**this is obviously determined but the amount of time and conversation we have together, I am not Ms.Leo

***the process of finding my unique giftedness and purpose has taken more than a few years, and how exactly I am to accomplish this purpose remains to be determined.

I think this is how I’ll spend my afternoon.

Continuing the adventure,

Jessica

I believe in monsters. 

 I believe there are two types; human and spiritual. There are people who abuse, molest, and murder others. They wreck carnage wherever they go and break human souls. There are also spiritual forces at work which, “prowl around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.”

My concern is our current culture is losing it’s ability to define monsters. More and more we are being constantly bombarded with the idea that characters and qualities which have been historically and culturally dangerous and evil are now being considered in a light of “understanding.” I should clarify this statement by saying I believe in God’s redemptive power and His ability to save the worst of mankind; however, if the definitions of right or wrong, good or evil, righteous or unrighteous continue to be blurred; how will we know who needs God’s redemption?

I would submit to you this trend in “good monsters” or even the glorification of monsters is part of a lie Satan has woven to keep humanity ignorant of their need for God. Satan has asked us to be understanding of monsters, maybe one day we will not believe in monsters any more. Since there can only be monsters if there are consequences of action; consequences no longer exist. Consequences of action can only exist if truth exists, so we may as well get rid of truth as well. Truth can only exist if God exists, so then it would be logical to assume God no longer exists either. Since God created Lucifer, who later became Satan, Satan can only exists if God does. This is the lynch pin because Satan can work most effectively when we do not believe he exists. I hope you are beginning to see the danger of not believing in monsters; it opens your life to attacks from a force which you do not believe in.

The prompt for this post was a petition against a new Kanye West video for his song “Monsters.” The petition was initiated because the video contains some disturbing images of victims of violence; most of these victims are scantily clad women. I have included a link to the video, but be warned it is graphic:

http://www.wat.tv/video/kanye-west-monster-feat-jay-39mq7_2zicp_.html

The video contains some nuances of the traditional monster types: the classic vampire motif, there are a few lingerie wearing werewolves, and of course a cannibalistic zombie. There are also images of dead women in bed, lying on a dinner table, or hanging from chains. Almost all of them are nude or nearly nude. There is also a bondage scene with two women; the one who is bound is dressed in a white ball gown most often associated with a wedding or as a sign of innocence. Everything has an explicitly sexual overtone.

However, the song is not inherently about sex. It is about economic exploitation and dominance. The lyrics convey a message about the significance of the players ability to make or break another career.  This is evidenced in the chorus, 

“Gossip gossip

 N-ggas just stop it

 Everybody know (I’m a muthaf-cking monster)

I’ma need to see your f-cking hands at the concert
I’ma need to see your f-cking hands at the concert
Profit profit, n-gga I got it
Everybody know I’m a muthaf-cking monster
I’ma need to see your f-cking hands at the concert
I’ma need to see your f-cking hands at the concert”

This song is clearly about economic dominance and yet is expressed visually in sexual dominance, a connection which is often played out in the real world. It is currently estimated over 25 million people are currently been economically exploited through slavery and indentured servitude. Many are women and children who are forced in prostitution and sexually exploited everyday. It is my fear that the lines between reality and entertainment are getting blurred; the monsters are losing definition and becoming more and more a part of our every day cultural existence. 

I would not dare to accuse Kanye West, Jay-Z, Rick Ross, or Nicki Minaj of being human traffickers. Rather, I would challenge the culture which finds this type of entertainment acceptable that our own depravity and enjoyment of the “fantasy” is what makes the reality possible. When we begin to blur the lines, we create an area of grey where Monsters rule.

Continuing the adventure,

Jessica

Resources on Human Trafficking:

http://www.humantrafficking.org/

http://www.ijm.org/

http://love146.org/

http://www.state.gov/g/tip/rls/tiprpt/2010/

 

 

I haven’t been on a stage in three years.
I haven’t sung a solo in eight.
I haven’t auditioned for a theater part in ten.

Yet tonight I did all three.

I’m not sure what will come of my audition, and it is fine because tonight the outcome is unimportant. Tonight was about feeling the Holy Spirit stir and say, “you should do this” and responding. Tonight was about acknowledging who God made me to be, silencing the voices which tell me I can’t, and overcoming my fears. Tonight was an offering.

I know my audition was not amazing, and I’m okay with it because I know I am a work in progress. I know God and I are working together to get me where I need to be.

So next time you feel that tug, the little voice saying, “you were made for this” take a chance; offer God your willingness to risk in order to be who He designed you to be.

Continuing the adventure,
Jessica