Jess Boctor

Author: Jess Boctor

  • Scenes of Life

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  • Singing My Sleeve

    I have been playing with writing music lately. Mainly that means that I have been furiously scribbling into a note book, and I have a friend who can shred a guitar come over and we try to put those words to melody. Playing at writing music.

    Today we had an audience. Not an intrusion, just an overlap of schedules so that while I was working on my music she was using the studio. After my guitar shredding friend left for the evening, my art working friend started asking me about the songs. She wanted to know what they meant, and why I wrote them.

    I explained them to her. How one was about my love story, and how Paul and I have been together so long, even though, well at least I didn’t expect us to be together in the first place. The second song was about a battle that I face with depression, and how I feel that it is viewed by others and how it can at times overwhelm my life.

    The conversation went on for a while.

    But it wasn’t all about me.

    That was the beautiful part. Since I was willing to sing about those experiences and share them, I actually got to learn more about this friend then I would have if we had spent the entire evening chatting about world events. I was able to learn about who she is, some of her struggles, and what makes life meaningful to her. All it took was a little bit of soul baring on my part to start.

    This is something I struggle with, mostly because in the past I have put my heart out there. Opened it up and stretched it out for everyone to see. And at times, it felt like people looked at me and just shook their heads, because my heart wasn’t anything special. 

    It hurts.

    So, maybe my heart is not strong enough to be worn on a sleeve. I think I may just keep it tucked up inside, instead of left out in the cold, and I will sing about the things that I have hidden in my sleeve.
    Continuing the adventure,  

    Jess

  • Three Lessons

    This week, I had a reminder of a story in the book of John that had a profound impact on my life about this time last year. Since then, the profoundness has been wearing off as it has been ebbed away by financial stress, a 101 transitions in my life and the passing of a year.

    The reminder brought me back to the sense of awe that I had last year, and also added some new insights. The story is from John 2:1-11 and tells about Jesus first miracle, turning water into wine (yeah, I know, well duh it would be profound for me).

    Last year, there were two sermons that really challenged my understanding of this story. One from Sandals Church called the First Miracle and the other from Mosaic Church called God’s Power over the Little Things. They pointed out how God cared about the little parts of our lives, and how He can do the miraculous as long as we let him. During my revisit to this story yesterday these were the notes that I took:

    Jesus Turns Water into Wine

    v. 5 “Do whatever he tells you”

    v.7 Fill the Jars with water: use the resources that I have

    v.10 You have saved the best till now: trust in His intentions

    Dear God, 

    Help me to remember these three principles. Help me to do whatever You say. Help me to remember that you can do miraculous things with the resources I have if I trust them to You. Help me to remember that You always have the best planned for me.

    Lord, I pray for a senstivity to Your Spirit that will guide me and show me Your path. I pray that You teach me to lean on and trust in You.

    Continuing the adventure,  

    Jessica Boctor

    www.phantomblonde.com

  • It’s 12, and I am awake.

    Its a good thing. Normally for me, 12am blog posts and writing sessions are about a battle in my soul. Tonight, it is about a brewing of a spirit. I feel alive, I may not tomorrow morning, but it has been a while since I felt this way, so I just can’t think of wasting it sleeping.

    Mostly, I think, because I have been asleep too long. 

    Too long, I have waited for the day when my dreams will come true.
    Too long, I have pushed aside the quiet whisper in my mind
    Too long, I have ignored that bubbling and troubling thing called destiny.

    Not anymore. I don’t expect drastic and immediate changes in my life. I have given up in believing in the silver bullet that will fix my troubles, my finances, my body, my character. That will fix me. Rather, I am giving myself over to the slow and steady changes that God wants to take place in my life. I am letting go and enjoying the little things.

    Like the fact that it’s 12 am, and I feel too alive too sleep.

    Continuing the adventure,  

    Jessica

  • Girls Getaway

    This weekend, my girlfriend Lisa and I headed up north for an adventure. Here are the pictures from our trip.

    Continuing the adventure,

    Jess

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  • We wanted a sign; just not that one.

    Life has been…interesting.  

    The husband and I have been at some cross roads lately. Big decisions with big consequences have been before us; all we want is to follow God’s heart. Our prayer is always that Where God leads we would follow. So in this time we have been praying for some confirmations, directions; a sign.

    We got one. 

    Paul was on his way to a job interview yesterday when our truck broke down. Our truck has never broke down like this; it has been really good to us. Since this job is 31 miles away; the truck deciding that it is finally on it’s last leg seems like a good indication that this was not where we are suppose to be heading. Especially when the alternative is close enough to our home that we can walk if necessary. 

    So we got what we asked for.

    Just not in the way we expected.

    Something to keep in mind as we face the other cross roads before us.
    Continuing the adventure,  

    Jess

  • The Old Red Shoes

    I have had these shoes for eight years now. Longer then I have been married, longer then most of my current friendships. These shoes have been through a lot with me. To me these shoes represent a lot of things; they were a present from my Oma, they were bold and out there; I was always complimented when i wore them; and I was always afraid to wear them.

    To illustrate this point, I want to share with you a journal entry from July 2002 when I my Oma first bought them for me.

    The New Red Shoes

    The situation: My Oma bought me a pair of red tennis shoes I absolutely love!

    The dilemma: I hate my feet and do anything to not draw attention them; the bright red draws alot of attention.

    The issue: Do I let my insecurities over the size of my feet stop me from wearing my new red shoes?

    Thoughts and Ideas:

    If I let my insecurities prevail over my feet where will it stop? And do my insecurities over my large feet displease God? In a way I am telling Him, “You made me wrong! My feet are too big!” And in that case I need to remember Isiah 30:16 “Does the jar ever say, ‘The potter is stupid.’” (NLT) I wonder how often I let my insecurities get the better of me and keep me from doing the things I love to do because I am afraid.

    I wish that the next part of this post would be me laughing at how silly was and an assurance that I had past my 17 year old dilemma.

    I wish.

    The truth is, I may have overcome most of my feet issues, but they are quickly replaced with other ones, like say the fact the slowing of my metabolism is starting to show itself in such interesting ways. My fear of wearing things that I love may have been swept away, only to reveal a deeper fear of pursuing what I love. Now I am digging deep to not only tie up a pair of tennis shoes, but to show people who I really am. 

    The journey is long, and unfortunately, these shoes are all but worn out. So as I get ready to say good bye, I try to remember the lessons that they taught me, to hold onto the bold young girl who was brave enough to face her big feet.

    Now can I be bold enough to face my big fears?

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