Jess Boctor

Author: Jess Boctor

  • Writing Transition

    I’m stuck.

    I have a nearly completed short story, but there is a transition towards the end of the story which has come to a stalemate. What I want is for the transition to wrap itself up in a nice little bow and float from my head to fingers dancing across a keyboard.

    This hasn’t happened yet.

    So my poor characters sit in a vacuum of action. They’re stuck in a cab on mars not really sure what to do next or where they are going. Meanwhile, I wander around waiting for a lightening bolt to strike with the perfect transition to get them moving again.

    I’m not sure the bolt is coming. So my only alternative is to look to real life for a solution. As I do this, I realize transition is messy. As people we blunder from one situation to another, blurting out stupid things, and hoping the damage is controllable. There are no clean transitions in life, and if they are, we become naturally suspect. Our best action in moving forward into the unknown is simply to put one foot in front of the other and do our best to live a life which honors God and those around us.

    And I think this will be the only way to get myself unstuck, the only way to get Dash and Willow out of the cab. It will be to put one keystroke in front of the other, to blunder a string of word together and hope the damage is controllable. To write something which honors the characters and their story.

    Continuing the adventure,

    Jess

  • God’s Will for Loudness

    On Sunday, someone accidentally touched a raw emotional nerve for me.

    That evening, I spent some time asking why this particular nerve was so raw. I recognize my reaction was out of proportion to the other person’s actions. At first, I blamed the situation on my tendencies to spin out when my feelings get hurt. In the moment, I cursed my brain chemistry, took a few minutes by myself to recover, and tried to move on with my day.

    As I reflected on the earlier conversation, and how hurt I was, I wanted to know why. The issue surrounded one of my flaws, namely, that I tend to jump in volume when I become passionate about the topic of discussion. A few years ago, I would have taken the criticism and brought it before God, asking him to either change me into a more meek person (though I’m not really sure how it would be accomplished, since I’m pretty shy as it is), or to give me the strength to resist being a loud mouth.

    Sunday evening, I asked something different. I asked God what His will for my loudness is. Over the past few years, I have learned that sometimes the things we see in ourselves, and in others, as flaws are actually traits which God has instilled in us to use for His purpose. They may be traits which have not yet been refined, but it doesn’t mean they are any less intentional.

    I don’t know if the answers will come soon. I don’t have much of an inclination of what the answer will be. My goal is to be ready to move when the answer does come.

    Continuing the adventure,

    Jess

  • Then there are times when he gets it right.

    Pastor Matt Brown, of Sandals Church, has recently gotten in trouble for saying some seriously stupid and very hurtful things. I’m not here to try and convince you what he said wasn’t stupid. He knows what he said was stupid. He feels it to his core and has expressed deep remorse.

    The reason I feel compelled to write is not to defend Sandals Church. It isn’t to ‘correct’ those who called Matt out for saying what he said. I feel compelled to write because I have known Matt for over a decade. I know that for every time he has gotten in trouble for saying stupid things from the pulpit, there are hundreds of times he has touched someone’s life with positive messages and conversations. My life included.

    The most recent conversation, I haven’t shared on this blog before. It happened in November. Paul and I had recently returned home from living in Germany for 10 months. We were wounded, exhausted, and pretty gun shy when it came to communities of faith. The reality of Christian life is no church is perfect. Paul and I had been wounded by certain events at Sandals, and wounded by certain things which happened in the community we were a part of in Germany. On top of everything, our homecoming was a really difficult transition, especially for me. I felt overwhelmed and frustrated with God. I was trying to process why it was so difficult to live out my faith within the context of community. So when Paul and I happened to run into Matt at Sports Authority and he invited us to lunch, I was terrified of what would transpire.

    What Matt didn’t know at the time, was that because of my own personal issues and some of the events which happened at various churches throughout my life, I was held captive by a lie. Within the context of church, I believed I was only loved if I was useful. This lie had suffocated me for a long time. It robbed me of joy. It tainted my relationships within the church because I was exhausted with trying to earn my place. So when Paul, Matt and I met for lunch, I was apprehensive of once again being asked to be useful or having my heart demanded of me.

    You can imagine my surprise when, through our entire conversation, Matt didn’t make a single request of me. Instead, he shared a message which God had put on his heart and was exactly what I needed to hear at that moment. He shared about he had known Paul and I for a long time, and how much he missed seeing joy in our lives. He shared that most trips abroad were difficult and did not end well, so there was nothing we should have been ashamed of. Most importantly, he shared that he didn’t know which church we were attending at the time and he didn’t care. He wanted us to know he loved us and would be willing to walk alongside us if we needed him to.

    I liken the conversation to having a cancerous tumor removed. It was an intensely painful conversation. Quiet tears fell from my eyes through most of our time together. Yet, so much healing has come from that day. I finally felt freed from having to prove myself at church. That conversation, and the words which Matt spoke, are a marker for me in my journey to restoration. I would not be experiencing the jubilee which I now have if he had not reached out.

    I am not sharing this story to try and take away the impact of Matt’s words on the LGBT community. It was an offensive joke, and said unthinkingly. What I am trying to do, is to show you a different side of Matt. I hope to shift your perspective a little, because the truth is, my story is not unique. I know there are hundreds of lives which have been positively affected through Matt’s sermons and private conversations with him. This part of him isn’t captured in the edited three minute video which has been shown to the world as evidence of another hateful minister. If you would like to know what Matt is really about, I would encourage you to watch some of the other hundreds of videos of his preaching. I would also encourage you to remember that like the rest of us, one of Matt’s greatest gifts is also his greatest weakness.

    Continuing the adventure,

    Jess

  • The Matter of Language and Why It Matters

    “But I’m on knees, raw heart bare feet.

    I’ll do what you say.

    Just speak to me, and I’ll agree.

    Have your way.”

    I don’t know how many times I have felt this way. Bowed before a God who is greater than me and begging for answers, a whisper, a direction. As a follower Christ, I find these words are deeply relateable and clear to understand.

    But what if you aren’t a follower of Christ?

    Kate Truka, who wrote these words as part of the first verse to her song Falling, found herself in a sticky situation when she debuted the song for a group of peers who didn’t know Christ. She related to me her embarrassment when she realized–mid song–that her audience didn’t understand these words as an act of faith. They understood them as an act of a very different kind.

    I have run into this problem myself. I once worked at an Irish pub where the employees controlled iTunes and the playlists for their shifts. I added a few songs from my favorite faith based bands. One of these songs was Break Me Down by Tenth Avenue North. One day as I was singing along, I realized how easily their chorus could be misunderstood.

    “I’m Yours tonight

    I’m Yours if You can break me down

    Break through these walls I hide behind

    I’m Yours tonight

    Come and break me down

    Won’t You break me down

    Break me down, oh

    Come and break me down

    ‘Cause I need Your strength to feel this weak

    I need Your touch to feel my need”

        As I pondered how this song could be interpreted other than as a cry for God’s presence, I began to wonder what the effect of these words would be on an individual who had no context in which to interpret them. The quality of the the songs draws them in, but without an understanding of the message, would they see the direction which these words point? Is the language which we use as followers of Christ misleading?

        Now, I know God is bigger than any of us and He can use any medium to reach those whom He wishes to draw to himself. I also know He often uses us, the flawed church, as His vessels to reach those people. So, wouldn’t make it easier on all of us if we speak in a language which is understandable?

    Continuing the adventure,

    Jess

  • Journals, Emails and Loving Yourself

    I was asked to write a short article for our youth group. The material is for an upcoming series and intended to spark some thought among the young women in our group. As I sat down to write, I tried to think back to what I wanted to know most when I was a teenager. To help me remember, I pulled out my old journals and began to read what a 14 year old me felt compelled to write.

    Paul hates it when I do this. I think he believes it makes me melancholy and regretful. He used to be right. Now, though, when I thumb through these pages, I find insight into just how much healing has transpired in my life. I see outlines of the work which God has done. It makes me thankful. Take, for example, an email from an ex-boyfriend. I found it printed out and sandwiched into a journal from 1999. There are two lines in particular which stand out to me.

    “It’s kinda how funny how in love we are, yet neither of us like ourselves. We proved that the whole love yourself first crap is wrong.”

    I am amazed at how completely right and completely wrong this 14 year old was. You see, he was right when he talks about how neither of us liked ourselves. In many ways it was our melancholy and self loathing which brought us together. We each found a soul as pained as we ourselves were. It was soothing to believe someone finally understood.

    However, six months after he wrote these words, we gave up on our romantic relationship. As much as our dislike of ourselves brought us together, it also drove us apart. We spent all four years of high school trying to be friends. We said goodbye on graduation day and haven’t spoken since.

    I don’t want anyone to read this and think I have any regrets. I know I am exactly where I should be and married to the man who brings out the best in me. I am able to say this with confidence because I’ve learned to do the thing which I couldn’t all those years ago. I like me. Heck, I love me.

    I love me because my identity if found in Jesus. He created me. He is pleased with me. He made the nerdy, artsy, laughs-too-loud introvert that is me. It has been a long journey from 1999 to today. There were many moments of despair, but now I’m on the other side and enjoying the bliss of jubilee.

    This isn’t to say my life is perfect. I don’t expect it to be. This is to say I appreciate that this adventure was written for me and I am uniquely created to live it.

    And I hope, with all my heart, that my friend eventually learned how to love himself too.

    Continuing the adventure,

    Jess

  • The Word “Christian”

    This weekend, my family and I are going to a Mumford & Sons concert. I have talked about my fandom for the British band multiple times on this blog. I think their music is reflective of a great insight into the human condition. More than one of their songs has struck a chord with my own struggles as I walk through the messiness of life.

    Recently, there was an interesting debate going on at RelevantMagazine.com. They published an article written about Marcus Mumford’s decision to sidestep the label of “Christian”. The author raised quite a few interesting points about whether or not you could really be a follower of Christ without calling yourself a Christian.

    The article is focused on a recent interview between Marcus Mumford and Rolling Stone Magazine. In the article Mumford shies away from calling himself a Christian, saying simply that he has his own ideas about who Christ is and that he wouldn’t call himself a Christian. The debate which was boiled up at Relevant concerns whether someone can choose to follow Christ without giving themselves over to this name.

    Some of the debaters say we need to hold onto this name in order to bring it back from the depths of craziness which it has fallen into. In many ways I agree with this. There needs to be a movement which separates followers of Christ from the crazies who burn Korans and preach a gospel of hate, which in reality is no gospel at all.

    However, I relate to Mumford’s desire to shy away from the labels of Christianity. He is right in saying there is a lot of baggage which comes with the term Christian. Nothing will shut a conversation down faster than spouting off the phrase “I’m a Christian”. Most often I experience this happening for two reasons. Either the person who I am having a conversation with immediately places me in the field of the ‘feeble’ minded who believes a fictional faith (even though Christ and His teachings are very factual). Or I am labeled a bigot who wouldn’t be open minded to their approach to life, so they refuse to go further in the conversation. Neither of which helps me in communicating or building a relationship.

    And that really is the most important thing, isn’t it? Building relationships and giving those who don’t know Jesus a glimpse of what life with Him looks like? A life filled with adventure, faith, growth, successes and failures. A life kinda like a Mumford & Sons song.

        Continuing the adventure,

        Jess

  • Jubilee is Coming.

    IMG_2592

    This picture is a great visual portrayal of how I often view my relationship with God. I sit in His light. I feel the warmth of His presence. I keep my face covered from Him.

    If hiding my face from Him came from a recognition of His glory or from a heart of humility, it would be a healthy perspective. However, the truth is I often hide my face out of shear disappointment. Not disappointment with God but with myself. I do not have the shy posture of someone who realizes they are in the presence of someone greater than themselves. It is the shameful posture of someone who isn’t ready to look up yet.

    Part of this comes from own obsession with my ‘failures.’ The long laundry list of falling on my face. When I look back over my journey through life, I see a road covered in the wreckage of ‘oops,’ ‘drat,’ and ‘what the hell’. Most people would look at the same things and see forces outside of my control, circumstances of life, and a process of refinement. The problem is since I keep my eyes down, it is hard for me to see things in the same light.

    So about a month ago God stepped in.

    He was once again reavealing a stronghold in my life. I was feeling particularly frustrated. To me, this seemed like just another place where I was a failure. Another place where I didn’t match up to what I should be. Another wreck on the road. I was whining to God about how lame I felt and He answered.

    He asked me to change my perspective from the places where I failed to the places where I have grown. He revealed to me the necessity of the  process which I have been through. He reminded that it was all helping me to be the person He created me to be. He showed me how through this journey He has been knocking off the rough parts of me, like my depression, and teaching me how to live in a healthy way. He has been removing burdens by revealing what my gifts are and what things are not mine to do. He has uprooted desires from my heart which do not honor Him. Now, He is questioning my motivations and asking me whose kingdom I really want to build–mine or His.

    He gave me this concept in a picture of an archers target. Each of these areas are a different ring. My depression is the furthest out. My motivations are the center. He showed me how over the years I have been getting closer and closer to the mark. Each year my aim is getting better.

    Here is the most encouraging part. After looking at each of these circles, He asked me to look at the timeline of this process. He asked me to consider when the refinement really began and how much time has past. The first steps of healing began in 2007 when I was at my lowest point. It was then I had to decide if I would follow God no matter where He led. I said yes. Today, I am nearing the completion of my sixth year in this journey.

    In the Hebrew tradition, every 7th year is to be a year of jubilee. It is to be a year of rest and celebration. I don’t know what this is going to look like for me, but, I am happy to say with confidence, my jubilee is coming.

    Continuing the adventure,

    Jess