Category: Christian Life

Relational Development kicks my butt. Every week. One of the areas that my group has asked me to work on is being negative about myself. Not only would they like me to stop saying negative things but they want me to be proactive in describing myself. So, in order to avoid the ‘no’ for this week I am writing three positive things about myself that you may or may not know.

1. I am loyal. I am loyal to strangers, to the dogs of the earth, to the dark and scary people that no one wants to talk to. I am loyal to everyone.

2. I am smart. Not so much in a MENSA sort of way, but problem solving and understanding of far reaching concepts comes easily to me (Just read my paper on artistic conscience).

3. I am creative. It doesn’t matter if you need to have a plan for a party, a poem, or a set for a bunch of screaming eight year olds . If you present me with a problem or question ideas just flow forth in a way that no one (with exception of Martina the galley wench) understands.

So there is positive in me for all the world to see. Reality: this was like pulling teeth to write.

So I kinda feel like I have been very surface level lately, not intentionally, well, maybe. Anyways I thought I would give you an update on where God is leading me lately. Not so much physically because I have no clue where I am going with jobs,  school, and other stuff like that. I wanted to share with you what God is teaching me in my heart, what new uncomfortable places he is leading me to.

I think the first lesson God is trying to teach me is discipline. I suck at it and I have always known I suck at it but it was easy to excuse because I’m artsy, right? Artist aren’t suppose to be disciplined, we are suppose to live on the wind going wherever life takes us. Live in the moment? Fly with inspiration? Right?

Nope.

I feel like God is trying to teach me discipline because I’ll never go anywhere if I float in the wind. I’ll be like the plastic bag that flies in circles but never gets anywhere, and frankly, I’m starting to get dizzy. I am also coming to the realization that I can only really LIVE in the moment by living in God. If I live in my emotions I end up in self destructive tunnels, however, if I live in God, in His presence moment by moment, I move forward in freedom.

Another thing God is trying to teach me, again involving discipline, is how to be a real friend. Another thing I suck at. I am learning that I tend to fake intimacy in relationships. If I tell Jane ‘X’ about me and I tell ‘Y’ about me to Peggy, both feel like we are close friends but neither one really knows me and that keeps me safe. If Jane doesn’t want to be my friend anymore, that’s okay, same goes for Peggy. I think God is trying to teach me that it’s not okay to be best friends with someone for six months and then as soon as they hurt me, stop calling, life gets busy, etc to be okay with not being their friend anymore. I think He is trying to teach me that because that’s how I treat him.

So those are my two big lesson right now, and they suck, and they’re uncomfortable, but I know I will be better in the end. Everyday I desire more and more to be the person God wants me to be, as scary as that person is to me.

Thanks for letting me share. So what is God teaching you?  

So today started out like any other day. It was the first day of classes for the Fall quarter and so I got up way early to catch my bus at 6:30. UCR and RTA have partnered up to allow UCR students to ride the bus for free. Free ride? Hundred dollar parking permit and three dollar a gallon gas prices? I’ll take the free ride.

So after sleeping my way through most of the day, I caught my bus for the ride home.  My bus route travels through downtown riverside, a place with tons of potential most of which has not been realized yet.  So I am sitting on the bus heading down University which is known for its…um…late night business?

Anyways, the bus pulls up to a stop and a woman gets on. As I am watching her she looks frazzled and very much like a stripper. She is wearing a black lace halter top, black pants with a leopard thong sticking out and really heavy makeup. As she puts her change into the bus meter, which takes a few minutes because of the small denominations, a thought pops into my head, “You should love on her.”

WHAT?

“You should love on her,” the now recognizable voice says, this is the voice that stretches me to do things I really don’t want to or understand. “Ask her how she is, what’s her name, if she knows Jesus” the voice pushes on.

“Okay,” I try to compromise, “if she sits next to me, I’ll talk to her.” I should have known better then to try and compromise. The girl walked by, a breathed a sigh of relief thinking I was out of the danger zone.

“That’s not good enough.” The voice continued, “Go love on her.”

Alright, I’m done. I pull my ear phones out of my ears and wait for the next stop. I get up and walk to the back of the bus where she is sitting, trying desperately to come up with an introduction. She, meanwhile, is spritzing up the place with perfume. I get a whiff, it smells nice.

“That smells really pretty, what is it?” I ask.

“Thank you. It’s Celine Dion.” She answers.

“I’m Jessica.”

“Nicole”

That’s how it started.  I later found out that Nicole, is really a man going through hormone therapy to change her(his?) sex. I don’t feel like it’s my story to completely share, at least not here, but the afternoon ended with me taking Nicole to lunch at El Territo. She shared with me some of the struggles that she had been going through in life. Alot of them had to deal with being unloved. She spoke of God alot and how she knew that He loved her. I knew that He loved her too. I invited her to church this weekend, gave her one of my favorite sweaters, my phone number and some extra bus fare. I hope that I will see her there and that she will find out who it really is, the God that she calls on.

What a strange day! To think what I would have missed out on if I didn’t get out of bed today.