Jess Boctor

Category: Jesus

  • The Mays have voted.

    And I won.

    What? you may ask…

    The title….

    I have been declared the “Best Hugger”

    You Rock Mays Family. Thanks for making my day.

    If you don’t know who the Mays are you can check out Brandi Here.

    And Tom Here.

    They Rock the meaning of coolness.

  • Dancing in the Mourning

    Is a life only obedient in joy worth anything?

    How much you love those who love you,

    How much more you love those who wrestle with you!

    I have spent days in the light

    When laughter was easy and your love sweet

    Now I have spent days in darkness

    In these days I have learned to dance, though my vision is blurred

    In these days I have learned to sing, though my heart beats out of time

    I have a new song,

    A song of faithfulness.

  • My Phantom life

    So this post title has been sitting in my drafts pile for a while. I’ve been ignoring it, hoping that maybe I can avoid talking about the real me and confessing to you the phantom that I have become.

    I can’t.

    So grab a box of tissues as I introduce you to the blonde behind the mask and the struggles she faces.

    The first one is not to cry first thing in the morning. There are good days and bad days, there are real reasons for crying and bad reasons for crying but in an average week I will cry at least three days of seven if not more. The hardest part is for poor Paul usually our conversations go like this,

    P:Why are you crying?

    J: I don’t know why I’m crying.

    P: What should I do?

    J: I don’t know what you should do.

    And we both feel helpless and sucky. Lots of times we pray. Sometimes it helps.

    The next struggle is to not pretend that I haven’t been crying. Most days I act like nothing has happened and plaster on the “Happy-go-lucky-my-heart-isn’t-really-broken” smile. It kills me each and every time but it is easier then dealing with reality, it is easier then telling people how I really feel and it is most definitely easier then connecting with a God who wants to heal me. Why is it easier? Because if I connect with a God who wants to heal me then I have to admit that something is wrong and it hurts so much…it just does.

    The third struggle and the last one for today is to not hate church. I feel like such a hypocrite because I am the one who has built up walls around myself so that no one can see how much I’m dying inside, the only problem is that whenever I see someone who says they love me I just want to scream, “Then why don’t you see I’m dying!”

    So that’s the blonde behind the phantom, that’s whats really going on inside. Please pray for me as I continue down this path of healing and I deal daily with my issues.

    And today started out as such a good day….

  • Warum ich kann ihr nicht lassen.

    Es gibt vier Monate seit meine Oma gestörben war. Die ist komisch, die ist in der Nähe von verruckt, wie meine Leben weiter geht trötz die große Teil, die verlören ist. Leute sagen mir dass eines Tages die Schmerz kleine sein wird. Glaube ich ihm nicht. Hier schreibe ich meine Begründung warum ich ihr nicht lassen kann.

    Wenn ich stehe jeder Morgen auf, sehe ich ihre Bild auf meinem Kuhlschrank. Ich wasche meinen Kleidung und ich fand ein T-Shirt, sie es mir gekauft hat. In jedes Zimmer gibt es eine Erinnerung von ihr. Oder eine Geschank. Oder eine Bilde. Oder eine Breif. Eine Geburtstagekarte. Jeder Tag muss ich ihre Geist treffen.

    Wie kann man so große Teil ihres Lebenes lassen? Ich kann nicht. Jetzt frage ich, wie kann man mit einem Geist weiter leben?

  • Charity

    My life has been a lot about me lately. Thats a funny sentence to write on a Blog that is all about me. Especially since I haven’t Blogged in awhile. A contradictory little circle isn’t it?

    The point is that I needed to do something that would help others. Here are my two acts of charity.

    First, I painted a picture for a friend of mine from work. He is having a fundraiser casino night/silent auction in order to raise money for AIDS research. This is a topic that is pretty close to my heart. Here’s a pic of the painting and the explanation that I gave him. You can click on the picture for a better view.

    AIDS in my lifeI offer to you this painting as a visual representation of my own loss in this confusing and strange battle against the AIDS epidemic. My uncle was killed December 1st, 1994 by the disease. I was 10 years old at the time and I remember with distinction the confusion and hurt that shrouded his death as I tried to understand this strange disease that ate away slowly at his mind and body. This painting is my tribute to his memory and a reminder of the urgency of finding a cure least more suffer, both as victims and survivors, to the AIDS epidemic.

    My second act of charity was to benefit the cancer kids. I chopped off my hair and donated 12 inches to Locks of Love. Here are the pics:

  • Oh the places you will go…

    Oh the places you will go when you love someone. You can travel the world, Joy fills every moment and you fly on the wings of laughter.
    But what happens when that person is taken away from you, when joy seems as far away as the east from the west, when laughter doesn’t heal the pain. Oh the places you will go…

    Oh the places you will go when you live a life in obeidence to Gods calling, when you see his hand guiding your steps and there is joy in your work.
    But what happens when he hides his face from you, when he asks you to go through the valley and when he asks you to trust him without any understanding of the drak places he is leading you. Oh the places you will go…

    oh the places I am going…

  • Remembering

    The following is a Blog entry that I wrote in August while visiting my grandmother in Germany. Paul and I went for three and a half weeks despite it being a financially unwise decision.

    “Get up Jessica”

    “What?”

    “Come on. Lets go for a walk”

    “But its so early”

    “I know, lets go, I want to walk with you for a bit”

    “But Ill wake Paul, and its cold, the bed is nice and warm”

    “Come on Jessica, get up, I want to spend some time with you”

    I fumbled out of bed. I kissed Paul and told him I was going for walk hoping only that he would understand even when I didnt.

    “Where are we going?

    “Ill show you”

    “Why are we going uphill? Its so early”

    “Im taking you to the wild. This way.”

    “I dont know that path”

    “Will you take it anyway?”

    “Where does it lead?”

    “To the place I will show you. To the wild, the place where we can be together.”

    “How far are we going?”

    “Does it matter? We are together, thats all I want.”

    I sat down in the midst of the bramble, my view blocked from all sides. I was in seclusion but I wasnt alone.

    “Do you know why I brought you here?”

    “Because its beautiful.”

    “Here is where I can speak to you; this place is special to you and me. In the wild. Ever since you were a little girl Ive met you here. I heard you cry when you thought you were alone. I watched you laugh as you danced through the wonders Ive made. I want you to know that I brought you here. Stop questioning if you did the right thing by coming, you were answering my call. Remember that this place is special to you and me. Remember when I brought you here.”

    “Yes Lord”

    I know I sound crazy, but this is the walk I had with the Lord this morning. I had been struggling with coming to Germany this year. Financially coming to Germany was probably one of the stupidest decisions Paul and I could have made. Even as I boarded the plane, as we landed in Frankfurt, and yesterday night as we walked through the city, I have been struggling with whether or not I was being obedient and a faithful steward or a selfish girl. This morning God gave me the answerand next to salvation it is the best gift he has given me: the knowledge that right now in this moment I am right where I am suppose to be.

    I took a stone home to help me remember the day the Lord took me into the Wild.

    Now as I look back, I see there was purpose in this trip. I don’t understand why God decided that now was when he wanted my grandmother back. I don’t know why….I don’t know the whys to a lot of questions I have right now, but I do not that God intended for me to have that time with her, and He needed to get me out of the way so that I could enjoy it.