Category: The Early Years

Posts Prior to 2020

  • Who Is Massaging Your Soul?

    Saturday morning I woke up with a kink in my neck. The kink became progressively worse on Sunday. After two days of wincing every time I looked at him, Abe (and his wife Rowe) made me an appointment for a massage.

    Now, this was not a girls weekend out and relax type of massage. This was what Jacob, my massage therapist with Muppet hair, called a ‘fixer upper’. Jacob worked my back, neck, and shoulders in a way I didn’t know was possible. He found muscle tissue I didn’t even know I had. However, the pain was worth the end result when I regained a range of motion lost to me for the last four days.

    As I laid on the table, I began to wonder when was the last time I had given my soul a massage. When was the last time I let someone else probe through the skin of heart to find the tightly wound places which hindered me? I couldn’t really remember. This used to be a common practice for me, but has given way to the business of life, and I think I am beginning to feel a kink.

    During the massage, Jacob–who has fingers I believe to be made of steel–would find a place of tension and push, holding the pressure there for an uncomfortable few minutes. Then a magical thing would happen, the tensions would start to melt away, leaving freedom to move in place of the knot. Now, I can’t undo weeks of damage and neglect to muscles in one hour, just like I can’t undo the tension in my soul in an hour. I can, however, begin the process of asking for help and letting others start the work of unknotting my soul.

    Who massages your soul?

    Continuing the adventure,

    Jess

  • Jesus had two dads.

    A friend of mine posted this picture on Facebook a few days ago. It is a sign in front of a church which reads, “Jesus had two dads and he turned out just fine!”

    There are two ways of interpreting this message. Either the authors are using God the Father and Joseph as an example of two men who raised Jesus, or they are trying to say that God the Father and the Holy Spirit were two men who fathered Jesus through a surrogate and raised him. Since the sign is intended to stop homophobia within the church and Joseph’s role in raising Jesus was to be his adoptive father (representing an entirely different aspect of theology), I am inferring the message was to insinuate that God the Father and the Holy Spirit are to represent Jesus’ two ‘dads’.

    My goal in this post is not to address lifestyle choices. Rather, I want to challenge the way we think about gender and God.

    You see, in Genesis, scripture says that God created the earth, the animals, the plants, man and woman. It says that He created mankind in His own image, male and female He created them. So when God created humanity, he created two distinct and separate individuals who both represent aspects of the wholeness of His character. This distinction is important because I believe that through our historical and cultural traditions, as well as the construct of our languages, we have been trained to think of God’s gender in a backwards manner.

    That is to say, we look around the world, see what we know, and place the limitations of our experience on God. We see male and female and assume God must fit into one of these two categories. The truth is, God is neither male nor female because He is not constrained by these gender roles. Instead, He is the originator of the characteristics of men and women, encompassing both within the Trinity.

    So to say Jesus has two dads is incorrect. Jesus was born out of the fullness of God, from who the characteristics of man and woman are distilled.

    Continuing the adventure,

    Jess

  • Writing Transition

    I’m stuck.

    I have a nearly completed short story, but there is a transition towards the end of the story which has come to a stalemate. What I want is for the transition to wrap itself up in a nice little bow and float from my head to fingers dancing across a keyboard.

    This hasn’t happened yet.

    So my poor characters sit in a vacuum of action. They’re stuck in a cab on mars not really sure what to do next or where they are going. Meanwhile, I wander around waiting for a lightening bolt to strike with the perfect transition to get them moving again.

    I’m not sure the bolt is coming. So my only alternative is to look to real life for a solution. As I do this, I realize transition is messy. As people we blunder from one situation to another, blurting out stupid things, and hoping the damage is controllable. There are no clean transitions in life, and if they are, we become naturally suspect. Our best action in moving forward into the unknown is simply to put one foot in front of the other and do our best to live a life which honors God and those around us.

    And I think this will be the only way to get myself unstuck, the only way to get Dash and Willow out of the cab. It will be to put one keystroke in front of the other, to blunder a string of word together and hope the damage is controllable. To write something which honors the characters and their story.

    Continuing the adventure,

    Jess

  • God’s Will for Loudness

    On Sunday, someone accidentally touched a raw emotional nerve for me.

    That evening, I spent some time asking why this particular nerve was so raw. I recognize my reaction was out of proportion to the other person’s actions. At first, I blamed the situation on my tendencies to spin out when my feelings get hurt. In the moment, I cursed my brain chemistry, took a few minutes by myself to recover, and tried to move on with my day.

    As I reflected on the earlier conversation, and how hurt I was, I wanted to know why. The issue surrounded one of my flaws, namely, that I tend to jump in volume when I become passionate about the topic of discussion. A few years ago, I would have taken the criticism and brought it before God, asking him to either change me into a more meek person (though I’m not really sure how it would be accomplished, since I’m pretty shy as it is), or to give me the strength to resist being a loud mouth.

    Sunday evening, I asked something different. I asked God what His will for my loudness is. Over the past few years, I have learned that sometimes the things we see in ourselves, and in others, as flaws are actually traits which God has instilled in us to use for His purpose. They may be traits which have not yet been refined, but it doesn’t mean they are any less intentional.

    I don’t know if the answers will come soon. I don’t have much of an inclination of what the answer will be. My goal is to be ready to move when the answer does come.

    Continuing the adventure,

    Jess

  • Then there are times when he gets it right.

    Pastor Matt Brown, of Sandals Church, has recently gotten in trouble for saying some seriously stupid and very hurtful things. I’m not here to try and convince you what he said wasn’t stupid. He knows what he said was stupid. He feels it to his core and has expressed deep remorse.

    The reason I feel compelled to write is not to defend Sandals Church. It isn’t to ‘correct’ those who called Matt out for saying what he said. I feel compelled to write because I have known Matt for over a decade. I know that for every time he has gotten in trouble for saying stupid things from the pulpit, there are hundreds of times he has touched someone’s life with positive messages and conversations. My life included.

    The most recent conversation, I haven’t shared on this blog before. It happened in November. Paul and I had recently returned home from living in Germany for 10 months. We were wounded, exhausted, and pretty gun shy when it came to communities of faith. The reality of Christian life is no church is perfect. Paul and I had been wounded by certain events at Sandals, and wounded by certain things which happened in the community we were a part of in Germany. On top of everything, our homecoming was a really difficult transition, especially for me. I felt overwhelmed and frustrated with God. I was trying to process why it was so difficult to live out my faith within the context of community. So when Paul and I happened to run into Matt at Sports Authority and he invited us to lunch, I was terrified of what would transpire.

    What Matt didn’t know at the time, was that because of my own personal issues and some of the events which happened at various churches throughout my life, I was held captive by a lie. Within the context of church, I believed I was only loved if I was useful. This lie had suffocated me for a long time. It robbed me of joy. It tainted my relationships within the church because I was exhausted with trying to earn my place. So when Paul, Matt and I met for lunch, I was apprehensive of once again being asked to be useful or having my heart demanded of me.

    You can imagine my surprise when, through our entire conversation, Matt didn’t make a single request of me. Instead, he shared a message which God had put on his heart and was exactly what I needed to hear at that moment. He shared about he had known Paul and I for a long time, and how much he missed seeing joy in our lives. He shared that most trips abroad were difficult and did not end well, so there was nothing we should have been ashamed of. Most importantly, he shared that he didn’t know which church we were attending at the time and he didn’t care. He wanted us to know he loved us and would be willing to walk alongside us if we needed him to.

    I liken the conversation to having a cancerous tumor removed. It was an intensely painful conversation. Quiet tears fell from my eyes through most of our time together. Yet, so much healing has come from that day. I finally felt freed from having to prove myself at church. That conversation, and the words which Matt spoke, are a marker for me in my journey to restoration. I would not be experiencing the jubilee which I now have if he had not reached out.

    I am not sharing this story to try and take away the impact of Matt’s words on the LGBT community. It was an offensive joke, and said unthinkingly. What I am trying to do, is to show you a different side of Matt. I hope to shift your perspective a little, because the truth is, my story is not unique. I know there are hundreds of lives which have been positively affected through Matt’s sermons and private conversations with him. This part of him isn’t captured in the edited three minute video which has been shown to the world as evidence of another hateful minister. If you would like to know what Matt is really about, I would encourage you to watch some of the other hundreds of videos of his preaching. I would also encourage you to remember that like the rest of us, one of Matt’s greatest gifts is also his greatest weakness.

    Continuing the adventure,

    Jess

  • The Matter of Language and Why It Matters

    “But I’m on knees, raw heart bare feet.

    I’ll do what you say.

    Just speak to me, and I’ll agree.

    Have your way.”

    I don’t know how many times I have felt this way. Bowed before a God who is greater than me and begging for answers, a whisper, a direction. As a follower Christ, I find these words are deeply relateable and clear to understand.

    But what if you aren’t a follower of Christ?

    Kate Truka, who wrote these words as part of the first verse to her song Falling, found herself in a sticky situation when she debuted the song for a group of peers who didn’t know Christ. She related to me her embarrassment when she realized–mid song–that her audience didn’t understand these words as an act of faith. They understood them as an act of a very different kind.

    I have run into this problem myself. I once worked at an Irish pub where the employees controlled iTunes and the playlists for their shifts. I added a few songs from my favorite faith based bands. One of these songs was Break Me Down by Tenth Avenue North. One day as I was singing along, I realized how easily their chorus could be misunderstood.

    “I’m Yours tonight

    I’m Yours if You can break me down

    Break through these walls I hide behind

    I’m Yours tonight

    Come and break me down

    Won’t You break me down

    Break me down, oh

    Come and break me down

    ‘Cause I need Your strength to feel this weak

    I need Your touch to feel my need”

        As I pondered how this song could be interpreted other than as a cry for God’s presence, I began to wonder what the effect of these words would be on an individual who had no context in which to interpret them. The quality of the the songs draws them in, but without an understanding of the message, would they see the direction which these words point? Is the language which we use as followers of Christ misleading?

        Now, I know God is bigger than any of us and He can use any medium to reach those whom He wishes to draw to himself. I also know He often uses us, the flawed church, as His vessels to reach those people. So, wouldn’t make it easier on all of us if we speak in a language which is understandable?

    Continuing the adventure,

    Jess