Jess Boctor

Category: The Early Years

Posts Prior to 2020

  • Journals, Emails and Loving Yourself

    I was asked to write a short article for our youth group. The material is for an upcoming series and intended to spark some thought among the young women in our group. As I sat down to write, I tried to think back to what I wanted to know most when I was a teenager. To help me remember, I pulled out my old journals and began to read what a 14 year old me felt compelled to write.

    Paul hates it when I do this. I think he believes it makes me melancholy and regretful. He used to be right. Now, though, when I thumb through these pages, I find insight into just how much healing has transpired in my life. I see outlines of the work which God has done. It makes me thankful. Take, for example, an email from an ex-boyfriend. I found it printed out and sandwiched into a journal from 1999. There are two lines in particular which stand out to me.

    “It’s kinda how funny how in love we are, yet neither of us like ourselves. We proved that the whole love yourself first crap is wrong.”

    I am amazed at how completely right and completely wrong this 14 year old was. You see, he was right when he talks about how neither of us liked ourselves. In many ways it was our melancholy and self loathing which brought us together. We each found a soul as pained as we ourselves were. It was soothing to believe someone finally understood.

    However, six months after he wrote these words, we gave up on our romantic relationship. As much as our dislike of ourselves brought us together, it also drove us apart. We spent all four years of high school trying to be friends. We said goodbye on graduation day and haven’t spoken since.

    I don’t want anyone to read this and think I have any regrets. I know I am exactly where I should be and married to the man who brings out the best in me. I am able to say this with confidence because I’ve learned to do the thing which I couldn’t all those years ago. I like me. Heck, I love me.

    I love me because my identity if found in Jesus. He created me. He is pleased with me. He made the nerdy, artsy, laughs-too-loud introvert that is me. It has been a long journey from 1999 to today. There were many moments of despair, but now I’m on the other side and enjoying the bliss of jubilee.

    This isn’t to say my life is perfect. I don’t expect it to be. This is to say I appreciate that this adventure was written for me and I am uniquely created to live it.

    And I hope, with all my heart, that my friend eventually learned how to love himself too.

    Continuing the adventure,

    Jess

  • The Word “Christian”

    This weekend, my family and I are going to a Mumford & Sons concert. I have talked about my fandom for the British band multiple times on this blog. I think their music is reflective of a great insight into the human condition. More than one of their songs has struck a chord with my own struggles as I walk through the messiness of life.

    Recently, there was an interesting debate going on at RelevantMagazine.com. They published an article written about Marcus Mumford’s decision to sidestep the label of “Christian”. The author raised quite a few interesting points about whether or not you could really be a follower of Christ without calling yourself a Christian.

    The article is focused on a recent interview between Marcus Mumford and Rolling Stone Magazine. In the article Mumford shies away from calling himself a Christian, saying simply that he has his own ideas about who Christ is and that he wouldn’t call himself a Christian. The debate which was boiled up at Relevant concerns whether someone can choose to follow Christ without giving themselves over to this name.

    Some of the debaters say we need to hold onto this name in order to bring it back from the depths of craziness which it has fallen into. In many ways I agree with this. There needs to be a movement which separates followers of Christ from the crazies who burn Korans and preach a gospel of hate, which in reality is no gospel at all.

    However, I relate to Mumford’s desire to shy away from the labels of Christianity. He is right in saying there is a lot of baggage which comes with the term Christian. Nothing will shut a conversation down faster than spouting off the phrase “I’m a Christian”. Most often I experience this happening for two reasons. Either the person who I am having a conversation with immediately places me in the field of the ‘feeble’ minded who believes a fictional faith (even though Christ and His teachings are very factual). Or I am labeled a bigot who wouldn’t be open minded to their approach to life, so they refuse to go further in the conversation. Neither of which helps me in communicating or building a relationship.

    And that really is the most important thing, isn’t it? Building relationships and giving those who don’t know Jesus a glimpse of what life with Him looks like? A life filled with adventure, faith, growth, successes and failures. A life kinda like a Mumford & Sons song.

        Continuing the adventure,

        Jess

  • Jubilee is Coming.

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    This picture is a great visual portrayal of how I often view my relationship with God. I sit in His light. I feel the warmth of His presence. I keep my face covered from Him.

    If hiding my face from Him came from a recognition of His glory or from a heart of humility, it would be a healthy perspective. However, the truth is I often hide my face out of shear disappointment. Not disappointment with God but with myself. I do not have the shy posture of someone who realizes they are in the presence of someone greater than themselves. It is the shameful posture of someone who isn’t ready to look up yet.

    Part of this comes from own obsession with my ‘failures.’ The long laundry list of falling on my face. When I look back over my journey through life, I see a road covered in the wreckage of ‘oops,’ ‘drat,’ and ‘what the hell’. Most people would look at the same things and see forces outside of my control, circumstances of life, and a process of refinement. The problem is since I keep my eyes down, it is hard for me to see things in the same light.

    So about a month ago God stepped in.

    He was once again reavealing a stronghold in my life. I was feeling particularly frustrated. To me, this seemed like just another place where I was a failure. Another place where I didn’t match up to what I should be. Another wreck on the road. I was whining to God about how lame I felt and He answered.

    He asked me to change my perspective from the places where I failed to the places where I have grown. He revealed to me the necessity of the  process which I have been through. He reminded that it was all helping me to be the person He created me to be. He showed me how through this journey He has been knocking off the rough parts of me, like my depression, and teaching me how to live in a healthy way. He has been removing burdens by revealing what my gifts are and what things are not mine to do. He has uprooted desires from my heart which do not honor Him. Now, He is questioning my motivations and asking me whose kingdom I really want to build–mine or His.

    He gave me this concept in a picture of an archers target. Each of these areas are a different ring. My depression is the furthest out. My motivations are the center. He showed me how over the years I have been getting closer and closer to the mark. Each year my aim is getting better.

    Here is the most encouraging part. After looking at each of these circles, He asked me to look at the timeline of this process. He asked me to consider when the refinement really began and how much time has past. The first steps of healing began in 2007 when I was at my lowest point. It was then I had to decide if I would follow God no matter where He led. I said yes. Today, I am nearing the completion of my sixth year in this journey.

    In the Hebrew tradition, every 7th year is to be a year of jubilee. It is to be a year of rest and celebration. I don’t know what this is going to look like for me, but, I am happy to say with confidence, my jubilee is coming.

    Continuing the adventure,

    Jess

  • Rejoicing in Suffering

    I attended service at Mosaic Church in Hollywood on Sunday.

    The pastor, Erwin McManus, was preaching on the idea of being ‘All In’ for God. His premise was that God is already all in for you and requires nothing less than we be all in for Him. It is not a choice or an option as a Christain, it is what we are called to.

    McManus referenced Acts during his talk, and there was one verse which stuck out to me. It is was given in the context of the Temple leaders having imprisioned, released, and then flogged the apostles for preaching in the name of Jesus. The verse which hit home is Acts 5:41:

    “The apostles left the high council rejoicing that God had counted them worthy to suffer disgrace for the name of Jesus.”

    I have a habit of writing questions to myself in my journals. Things which I know I need to ponder and consider later on. That night I wrote to myself, “When was the last time I rejoiced in suffering for Jesus?”

    When was the last time I rejoiced that God counted me worthy to move to another country? When was the last time I rejoiced that He knew financial stress wouldn’t break me? When was the last time I rejoiced that by declaring myself a Christain I am often thought of as narrow minded, foolish, and uninteligent? When was the last time I was glad for the rebuff I have received for living a life grounded in the Bible?

    As I talked some of these thoughts over with my dad the next morning, it was clear rejoicing was not the term I would use when thinking on these things. However, I am going to make it my goal. Not the fake “everything is okay though the world is falling to pieces” type of rejoicing. Not a plastic smile type. I want the real type. The type of joy which settles in your bones and bubbles out slowly. I want the type of rejoicing which is quiet, undeclared and always present. I want the type which makes me assured God knows what is happening sucks and it hurts me. I also want Him to know I think He is worth it.

    Continuing the adventure,

    Jess

  • New Adventure: Learning to Code @CodeAcademy

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    I love languages, the process of creation, and paying my bills.

    Up until recently, I believe these three things were constantly fighting each other. Actually, I believed that languages and creation were teaming up against paying my bills. Artistry is the higher calling right? I mean, who really needs to eat.

    However, I was recently faced with the reality that I need to eat, as do Paul and our dog, Sabine. So I polished up my resume and started sending it out. To no avail. Here is the dilemia I’m facing: the positions which I previously held are in fields I don’t have a particular interest in returning to. The fields I am interested in getting into, I don’t have any experience in. In this economy, companies aren’t as open to the line “I’m a fast learner”. 

    So I was dismisally searching through job listing after job listing. All of the ventures and companies which I was were interested in, weren’t necessarily interested in me. The were interested in UI Desginers, Ruby Gurus, and Hackers. So I did some research, it turns out that being a programmer is a way to use language, create, and (holy moly) pay your bills!

    Thus began a new adventure–learning to code.

    I have started with a website called CodeAcademy. Their lessons are simple and give you direct feedback to what you are working on. I finished the first third of their JavaScript track in six days. I’ve found that while there is nothing more frustrating than a misplaced semicolon, there is also nothing cooler than when your code works and works well. If you’re interested in learning code at all, I recommend you check out their site.

    Continuing the adventure,

    Jess

  • Dear 15 Year Old Me

    I was recently asked what I wish I knew when I was you.

    Oh, the many ways which I could reply. Stay away from fake tanner. Show up to school on time. Get rid of you cat. Be more fearless.

    However, the one essential thing which I wish I had known was this: do less and do it well.

    See, the awesome-on-paper well rounded super teen which you are trying to be is only an illusion. She doesn’t exist. Who does exist is a stressed out monster who doesn’t really know what she wants from life yet. Instead of trying to achieve GPA greatness and a list of extracurricular activities long enough to overflow a college application, you need to spend more time figuring out who God made you to be.

    Believe me, it’s not an attorney, ivy league graduate or power house business suit type. It has nothing to do with your AP scores. The medal you’re about to pay for with hours upon hours of your life and countless tears eventually ends up in a shoe box in storage. Is it really worth it?

    Paul, that guy you’re about to start dating, has been teaching me about not living with regrets. So I don’t regret the journey I went through. I am glad I had the friendships I did. I’m glad I have that medal in a shoe box.

    But…

    I wonder how awesome I would have been if at 15 I had started to dig out the gifts God gave me, instead of 28. I wonder if there weren’t opportunities I missed because I was so busy “preparing for life” that I missed living it. I wonder what life would look like if I had focused on doing less but doing it to the best of my ability.

    So, no regrets, just a strange curiosity and hope that some other 15 year old will think twice when they read this.

    Continuing the adventure,

    Jess

  • That Untouchable Thing

    We all have it.

    The one thing we know we want but do not seem to be able to quite wrap our fingers around. The nameless longing inside of us. The deep seated desire to be excellent, to reflect a beautiful light like a diamond. The one thing which we know, in some inexplicable way, if just given the chance, we would shine.

    It is a beautiful and terrifying thing.

    It is also a thing which, when we are honest with ourselves, is not ready yet. We aren’t ready to show the world. We are afraid that, if we were given the opportunity, we would simple tumble and fall. No shining. No winning. Just a tumble.

    It is so tempting to give up.

    It is so tempting to simply say, “It will never be good enough.” So we lie to ourselves and say we never really wanted to do x, y, or z. The untouchable thing was just a fools dream.

    Well, most of you already know, I am a fool.

    So this is my hope for 2013, that I don’t give up. I won’t make resolutions, or timelines, or charts (though it is really rempting to do so). I will continue to prepare. I will unearth the diamond. I want to give shape and form to the untouchable thing so that when my chance does come, it will shine.

    I wish you all the luck in pursuing your untouchable things.

    Continuing the adventure,

    Jess