How will I find you
In a new place
Who will be my guide
How will I see you
With a new face
Who will show me the way
This mountain where you’ve met me
I’m leaving behind
So teach me to walk softly
To follow your tread
This place that was my home
No longer belongs to me
So teach me to listen carefully
To follow your voice
Tell me where to find you
In every new place
Show me your love
In every new face
And be my guide
And show me the way
It might be because I have read Ruth one too many times.
It might be because I love to snuggle under the same blanket with my mom on the couch, or the way Paul throws his blanket on top off mine when we sleep in.
It might be because a borrowed sweater always seems to be warmer and softer than any I own.
Any of these reasons could be why I think one of the best things in the world is to be covered by someone else. There are few things better than the feeling of safety, love and belonging which result from having anothers mantle thrown over you.
On Saturday night, Paul and I were able to experience this on a higher level as we were covered in a prayers and sealed with the love of our community for the journey which awaits us. There really isn’t a sufficient way to communicate what it feels like to have those who love you most gather around to tell you who you are, to anoint you with oil, to hold you as they lift you up in prayers. Paul and I are amazed at how blessed we are.
So for all of you who participated on Saturday night, thank you. Paul and I have locked your words away in our hearts and are thankful for your prayers of protection, signs of love, and for claiming us as your own as you send us out.
Dear Reader,
I hate talking about money.
Wait, let’s be more clear, I hate asking for money.
I recognize money is a tool. It provides you the ability to purchase goods and services. It helps you estimate risk, invest, plan for the future. However, our culture often determines a person’s value on their net worth; or at least their appearence of worth.
And I’m still waiting for mine to show in the positive, so who am I to ask for your money?
I’m nobody. I’m the girl who spent $60,000 on a dream business which never took off. I’m the girl who hasn’t found a full time job which I can stay in for longer than a year. I’m the girl with $18,000 left in student loans. Oh yeah, and I’m married to the guy who bought a quad on a credit card; with a 22% interest rate.
Yup, that’s me and Paul. At least that’s what the accusing voice in my head says we are.
A more balanced perspective reminds me I worked for two years to try and make the business take off, while finishing my degree and working a second job during the housing bust when hundreds of new (better funded) businesses were failing. The more balanced voice reminds me I left my former full time job for a higher paying job which I should have been able to take with me to Germany. A company buy out changed their policies. The more balanced voice tells me many people in my age group have twice as much student debt (if not more) and reminds me that Paul and I worked hard to make sure my student loans were the only debt we have. Oh, and that guy I’m married to? He manned up and sold the quad to get rid of the debt.
So, that’s the real me and Paul. Are we perfect? Not at all, but we are working hard to do the best we can with the resources we are given.
And trusting God with everything we’ve got.
You see, Paul and I are about to move away to a new country with a stronger currency than the dollar, where our current credit history doesn’t mean anything, with no jobs lined up and no idea of when we will get jobs. The only thing we know for sure is God pointed this way and said, “Go!”
So we are.
We have been extremely blessed in our preparations thus far; people have bought our stuff, we received unexpected gifts, Paul was given a temporary job with a large pay increase over the summer, and it was extended. Since April we have been able to pay off our remaining $1800 of debt, fulfill our commitment to the Sandals building fund, and save a little over $8000 for our move.
We also cashed in my 401k to create a “bingo fund”. In aviation, bingo is what a pilot calls when they have reached the point where they have just enough fuel to get home. In the event Paul and I find ourselves without jobs or prospects, this fund will be just enough to get us home again.
After doing some online searching and talking with friends in Germany, we expect our monthly costs to be around $1500 living very, very modestly. If Paul and I were to try and raise support for our planned two years abroad we would need to raise at least $36000 to cover our bare minimum expsenses. I share this with you just to give you an idea of where we are. Germany is a modern wealthy nation and eight grand doesn’t stretch very far.
Are we asking anyone for $36000? Of course not. Paul and I fully intend to pay for our time abroad by seeking employment to cover our expenses and help provide for Mosaik, the church we are going to serve. We are going to help them, not be a burden.
But like I said before, we are jumping into the unknown. We don’t know how long it will take us to get jobs or even what type of jobs we get. I day dream of being a market peddler and selling my art. Paul wants to work at the river docks, but who knows? There is a good chance I’ll be answering phones and Paul moving boxes. We’re going to do whatever we need to in order to show Germans that church is a family not a state institution and Jesus loves them.
So, if you have already taken care of your family and your home church, Paul and I would be honored if you would consider coming along side us and help fund our journey. Like I said before, we aren’t looking for monthly support, but will gladly accept a one time donation to help get us started.
Sincerely,
Jessica
Please contact me at Jessica[dot]Boctor[at]gmail.com with any questions.
PS If you would like to know more about our specific action steps, well, we don’t have any. We leave for Germany on October 17th and have adopted a posture of “wait and see”. We are going to Mosaik to see what their needs are and how we can join into their community to fill them.
“What if I decided the only place I can be happy is Alaska?” I asked Paul. He sighs heavy in response and can’t understand why I couldn’t be happy any place else.
It’s 2002. Paul and I have just recently started dating and my name is still Schrader. It’s sometime very late at night and we are having the first of what will be a series of ‘discussions’ throughout our relationship. Paul is home based. At this point in his life everything revolves around his family and friends, most of which are all in Riverside. I have a gypsy soul. My life is focused on whatever is coming around the next corner. I have told him I want to move away from Riverside someday and most likely overseas. He doesn’t understand this. He doesn’t think it is something he could do if we were married.
“I feel as though I should have just pushed through to get my way. My fear is now that we’ll never go to Germany,” I’m crying as I say this. Paul tightens his grip on the wheel and wants to know how I could be so selfish.
It’s 2005. Paul and I have been married for two years and living in Long Beach. I attend Cal State and he has decided to quit school. My major is German Language and Literature and I desperately want to move to Germany to study abroad. We debated back and forth, asked for prayer, sought out the wisdom of our elders and chruch members for six months before we decide to move; not to Germany but back to Riverside. I am submitting to my husband, my pastor and my God but it still breaks my heart. I know I am a determined enough person that if I wanted to make it happen, I could.
“I brought you here for a reason.” God tells me this as I wander through the woods near my grandmother’s home early one morning.
It’s 2006. Paul and I are visiting my grandmother in Trier, Germany for three weeks. He loves Germany. He loves my family, the lifestyle and the countryside. He may not want to live there, but he finally understands my enchantment. The first week is difficult for me because we’re still young and poor, going to Germany seems like a financially stupid decision. This is the moment God confirms for me it is the right one and reminds me to trust him.
“I never realized just how spiritually dark it is there” I stare at my beverage while my friend across the table starts to encourage me maybe God will give me the opportunity to be a missionary. I shake it off.
It’s 2007. I just came home from my grandmothers funeral where I gave her eulogy, in German. I am also about to graduate with my bachelors degree in Germanic Studies. To me, all chances of moving to Germany died with my Oma. I feel defeated and empty. Paul is just trying to keep me and our marriage together. Germany is where I run to in my fantasies when things get bad, which they do. We start going to counseling and learn to negotiate our dreams and hopes for our lives.
“Jess, figure out how we will live out there and pay our bills, and I’ll go.” This is Paul during one of our many ‘discussions’.
“Would you like an intern for a year?” I am sending an email to Mosaik in Düsseldorf. They don’t know me and I don’t know them, but I reach out to them anyways.
It’s 2009. I had started my own business. It’s failing. We aren’t sure how much longer we will be able to afford the place where we live and we’re both stuck in dead end jobs. I decided now might be a good time to go back to school so I apply for a Fulbright Fellowship which will pay us a stipend while I am in school. Since we are going to be in Germany and our bills will be paid, I decide to contact Mosaik Church to see if they would like some free help. We begin correspondence and it turns out Alan, who is the first respondent, knows my brother. Paul and I go to visit my family during the holidays and get to have a chance to go to service. It feels like home even though we are in a different country and don’t really know anyone there. Alan tells a few people we are thinking of moving to Germany for a short time and they become excited.
I find out in January I didn’t get a scholarship. Paul says, “If it’s God’s will He will make it happen.” Paul feels safe in this statement.
“Are you ready?” God keeps asking me this question and I realize I’m not.
It’s 2010. I feel the urge to be prepared for any situation. I square away establishing my German citizenship and getting my passport. I start reducing the amount of stuff I own. I go on a shopping fast, not buying anything without actually needing it or waiting a significant amount of time for it. Paul and I are committed to getting our finances in order.
“I personally would love you guys to be here and if you have green light from God: what are you waiting for??? We´ll do everything in our power to help you!!!” This is from Veronika, Alan’s new wife. I adore her even though we have only met twice.
It’s 2011. After a few messages on Facebook our communications with Mosaik had run dry. I had written Alan an email asking what it would really be like for Paul and I to come to serve there and had received no response. In the meantime Paul had started an application for a job in Riverside which would provide for us. We start dreaming of buying a small condo in the wrong side of town. We decide to live intentionally with the unseen and forgotten no matter what country it is in. We are just waiting for the response from his potential employer to get things in motion when we receive this email from Veronika and a similar one from Alan. It appears my last email had gone into his spam filter, which is why he never answered. The next day Paul receives a letter from his potential employer letting us know they choose another candidate. We commit to pray and fast over our decision.
“So we’re moving to Germany?” Paul asks me this question on the Friday of our week of fasting. He really isn’t asking though, he’s stating it. The strangest part is that we both are completely at peace, there are no ‘discussions’ needed.
Since then God has been doing awesome things. Debts have been paid, possessions have been given away or sold, funds have been raised and He continues to plan our path before us. Paul and I just smile and enjoy the ride; knowing that soon enough the real work will begin.
We leave October 17th, 2011.
Nothing is mine.
I may give the posseive adjective to many nouns, my book, my house, my studio, my dog, my parents, my husband, my uncle, but in truth it only serves as a way to describe the relationship of a person, place or thing to myself.
This truth hurts.
Deeply.
As we face loss, we are forced to grapple with intense and varied emtions; fear, anger, injustice, anxiety. How are we suppose to be able to cope with these emotions? Do you punch out a pillow? Talk through them? Cry? Or in my case, cry alot?
This morning, I am trying to understand how to communicate love and hope in the face of great loss. A family member had unexpected openheart surgery yesterday morning. While the surgery went well, the recovery is proving more difficult than anticipated. I am sitting and praying; waiting for the Holy Spirit to give me some words which will balm, soothe, and grant peace to others. As I wait for the Lord, my thoughts keep going back to two biblical truths:
Nothing is mine.
God is pissed.
Psalm 24:1-2 reads, “The earth is the Lord’s and everything in it, The world and all its people belong to him. For he laid the earth’s foundation on the seas and built it on the ocean depths.” God created this world, Psalm 139 talks about how He knit each and everyone of us together in the womb, we belong to Him. As much as it hurts, it also gives peace to trust God and know He has a hope and a future for us, to remember we are only stewards of the life he breaths into us.
So why does the stench of death burn so badly? Why does loss and separation feel like you’ve just been gutted? Why is it so hard to bury someone under the earth?
Death was never a part of the plan.
The pain you feel is a reflection of the pain God feels whenever He is separated from the creations which He loves so much. Genesis 1 describes God’s perfect creation; an earth and humanity which were designed for eternity. We choose different, and every generation has lived out the consequences. One day, God’s righteous anger will renew creation and we will live with Him for eternity. Until that chosen day, we (humanity and God) suffer the pain of loss together. Please don’t be fooled into thinking God is as morose about death as you and I, vengence is His and He counts each death.
I am not very good with empathy face to face. It’s not that I don’t sense and feel others, I do instensly. I’m just not very good at expressing it beyond backscratches and silent prayers. My prayer today is to be an open vessel, so when the Holy Spirit moves, I am ready to serve others in every situation.
Continuing the adventure,
Jess
The past few weeks have been an awesome display of God’s movement as Paul and I have watched the tide of our life change.
In sharing with a friend recently, I told her how life seemed to be mostly about doing what I need to in order to keep my head above water as I let God’s current take us wherever we need to go. It has been amazing to watch as He has provided for us financially, He has freed us from our old commitments, and blessed our marriage immensely.
Recently, we even saw the safe harbor of a job on the horizons. I had applied for a customer service position and got through to the final round of interviews this week. This job, while not my dream job, would have provided security for us not only in moving to Germany but possibly moving back as well. It most likely would have allowed Paul to stay home and volunteer for the church full time.
Today, I was notified the company went in “another direction”. I had to smile to myself at their phrasing, realising it may not have been them who moved.
While I texted Paul “We trust God right?” my father in law was questioning me about why I didn’t get the job and consoling me that I went as far as I did. I just smiled at him, “I learned a long time ago not to pray for an outcome other than God’s will would be done.”
I think he expected me to be crushed, to be sad or disappointed. In all honesty though, all I really feel is free. I feel free to start writing, to start painting, to start anything which will allow Gods current to carry and flow through me.
Don’t be fooled into thinking I’m not terrified too. The job would have provided alot of securiy for Paul and I. Right now we are leaving for a foreign country without a source of income in less than 7 weeks. I understand fully the weight of our situation,
but what would an adventure be without a bit of uncertaintity?
Jess Boctor 