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Ever since Paul and I decided to go to Germany I have been waiting for a sign of confirmation. A halo of light or snippet of verse written on my wall, maybe a church leader’s vision or a gypsy lady knocking on my door to tell me the future; these would all serve well as grand signs that Paul and I are going in the right direction. 

Alas, my walls are still bare and my palm unread.

Yet we move forward.

So last night, after trying to practice ruthlessness in parring down my mementos and belongings (How many scraps of paper with Oma’s handwriting do I really need anyways?) I laid in bed and whined to God. I cried about the difficulty of living in two spaces, I lamented the difficulty of having to get rid of so much and demanded to know why I hadn’t been giving a TRULY clear sign.

In the darkness of my bedroom, God whispered to me. He asked me why the calling of His voice wasn’t sign enough.

As I have been thinking over His whispers today I realize the sign I wanted wasn’t for His glory, it was for my security. I wanted a tanigable moment in time to look at and point other’s too when doubt attacks. I wanted something to prove to them I wasn’t a fool building a boat.

“27 But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. 28 God chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are, 29 so that no one may boast before him.”

1st Corinthians 1:27-30

So I will continue to trust the whispers, and if I am a fool, well, there’s my sign.

I feel like my life is a plate spinning act right now. 

Paul and I are continuing our preparations for our move, though we still don’t have a move date, and I feel like I am running around trying to keep the different parts of my life moving.

So I run, from my family, to my studio, to packing. I give a little push to a plate full of stuff I have to sell. I spin my ideas of how exactly we’re going to make a living in Germany. I catch God’s promises and I reset them reminding myself: it’s got to keep going.

Sometimes though, I don’t make it. I forget to call that friend who has been on my mind. A birthday passes and I hear a crash behind me. The plate with a thank you card I intended to send out three months ago is still sitting on a table.

The good news is, this is only a season. The spining plates don’t have to spin forever, just until God’s timing is revealed. Then they will go into a suitcase and across the ocean. Some plates will even be left behind for someone else to spin.

So for now, I’ll keep spinning. I’ll run from preparing for the move to being fully present were I am. I’ll give a little engery to the plans to sell everything, and then lounge with my mom in the backyard. Through all of this I will know, everything’s moving.

Genesis 16:13

She gave this name to the Lord who spoke to her: “You are the God who sees me,” for she said, “I have seen the one who sees me.”

I don’t have words for how this speaks to me right now.

It may be beause I don’t want to go on the same tired rant about isolation.

It may be because I’m not sure I really want to seen.

I’m not really sure. All I can feel is that there’s a lot boiling up inside right now, and it really makes me want to sleep. So for now, I choose to be silent; to listen and trust there is a God who sees me.

Continuing the adventure,

Jess

I don’t know how I missed it all these years.

I think I caught a glimpse of it when someone very closed to me passed away; I think I felt that death as not right. Death wasn’t natural, it simply couldn’t be.

Yet I still missed it. 

I still did not understand that eternal life was always part of the plan. It wasn’t an after thought. It wasn’t something God came up with after we fell away. It was always what he intended.

Genesis 2:8-9, 15-17:

Now the Lord God had planted a garden in the east, in Eden; and there he put the man he had formed. And the Lord God made all kinds of trees grow out of the ground–trees that were pleasing to the eye and good for food. In the middle of the garden were the tree of life and the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.

The Lord God took the man and put him in the Garden of Eden to work it and take care of it. And the Lord God commanded the man, “you are free to eat from any tree in the garden; but you must not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, for when you eat of it you will surely die.”

Did you catch it? 

I’ve missed it for years. For some reason, I always thought the tree of eternal life and the tree of the knowledge of good and evil were equally off limits, but they weren’t. The only thing God asked us to stay away from was this one tree which would expose to evil and brokenness.

Eternal life was on a tree waiting for us to pick it, and we turned away.

We chose instead our own wisdom, brokeness, shame and destruction. We chose to live for ourselves and to seek our own glory. We chose death.

 Even now, our generation carries on this legacy; once agian eternal life hung on a tree for us and all we have to do is pick it.

All we have to do is chose Jesus.

So what are you waiting for?

About a year and a half ago I sat down for one of the most interesting and terrifying conversations of my life. A brilliant woman named Angela Ferraro has the unique skills to see people through all their junk, their twists, and tie ups to see the jewel inside of them. To see what she calls their God Shape.

This is a place where all different parts of you come together to create your core. It is unique to you only and is a impression of God’s fingerprint on you. The reality is though, most people (including myself) don’t live in this place. We live in survival mode on the outskirts of who we are meant to be, often this is because we haven’t yet identified this internal place of purpose yet.

So, here I am after much time has passed, and I thought it might be good to check in with what I have done with the knowledge that I had gained that fateful night at Red Robin.

The first thing I’ve gained is a new perspective on work. This mostly means I recognize now that I can’t do just any job; let me rephrase, I shouldn’t do just any job. Currently I am working in Switzerland (figuratively); my job is neutral to me. It doesn’t push me over the edge in exhaustion, but it also doesn’t energize me either. As I look to the horizons, I am continually trying to evaluate if a new position (possible startup?) would be energizing or bring me back to a place of constant exhaustion.

The second thing I’ve learned is how to say no. This is mostly to myself. There are still parts of me which want to jump up and offer my assistance to anyone, no matter what the role is. I have to remember, there are things which I am meant to do and things which others are meant to do. 

I think this time has really been about me shedding the responsibilities which aren’t mine, and steeping out of places which don’t fit me well. I think I am ready to move forward; now that my hands are free of those things which weren’t mine to carry I am looking forward to taking hold of those things which are mine.

I look forward to creating, to sharing my creativity in a way which draws others into a shared space.

I look forward to spending more time in community with others; helping them to identify the best in themselves.

 Continuing the adventure, 

Jessica

Last week I had a brief chat with Rissa Durham.

She had found a section of PhantomBlonde.com where I have started posting music videos; just not my music videos. She called me a tease.

I sighed, and remembered I’m really just terrified.

I love to sing. I would even venture to boast that I have a decent voice and when I work at it, a good one. Very often though, I don’t work at it, I don’t try, and I definitely don’t share. At church this Sunday, God reminded me of another people who were terrified, you can find their story in Deuteronomy 1:19-34.

In summary, God has lead His people out of Egypt, across the desert and to the doorstep of the Promised Land. The place where He will dwell among them. In order to be prepared, the Israelites sent out 12 spies to check out their enemy’s fortifications. God has commanded the Israelites to go, take possession of the land, and that He will fight for them. Despite this promise and command, the Israelites are terrified:

“Where can we go? Our brothers have made us lose heart. They say, ‘The people are stronger and taller than we are; the cities are large, with walls up to the sky.” Deutronomy 1:28

They did not believe they could overtake their enemies, even though God promised to go with them. They did not trust and because of it, they would not enter the land where God would dwell with them; the land of milk and honey.

Just like I won’t go.

I feel like there have been specific times in my life where I sent spies out in the music realm, I dared a little and each time came back terrified of what I would have to risk, of the obstacles I would have to overcome. Each time I have shied away and banished myself to wandering in the desert rather than relying on the promise God has made that He would go before me.

I don’t believe God has given me any promises that if I just buckel down and work hard enough he will grant me a career in music. To me, this isn’t about that (though I often daydream about that) this is about dwelling in a promise, a place where God dwells with me.

Here is one of my biggest problems, I’ve talked alot about singing, but I don’t think very many people have ever actaully heard me sing. So I downloaded the karoke track to one of my favorite songs, and recorded myself singing it. I know a few of you #everydaymay readers are actually muscians, and you are going to hear every flat note and there is one section where my timing is really off (most likely even the non-musicians will hear it too), and I am quite aware. This is not the debute of a diva, this is a humble offering.

Continuing the adventure,

Jessica

PS Apparently I bounce around alot when I sing.

Miguided Ghosts by Paramore