Jess Boctor

Category: Uncategorized

  • The Art of Not Asking

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    I blundered in and found him with tears in his eyes. When I asked what was up, he said he was having a cry. I asked if he wanted to talk about it, he said no. As he stood leaning against the kitchen counter, his pain became my pain.

    I desperately wanted to know why we were both hurting.

    Since he could not share, I gave him a hug and prayed to God, “You are the God of unspoken things. Whatever this is, I pray for your healing and power over it. Amen.”

    We stayed there for a few moments, just holding onto one another and our God who is bigger than all this.

    After, I did my best to stay present in the moment. I had a cafe date to get to, but I knew this was more important than being a few minutes late. He talked in broad terms about the source of his pain. I asked questions which I thought would help him process. I pushed back the thousand scenarios running through my mind of what could have happened. I didn’t ask for details.

    It was hard.

    I wanted to know. I wanted to be on his side. I wanted to rant and rave. I wanted to give advice and help him figure things out. I wanted to be on the inside scope.

    The reason I resisted is because of something which Matt Brown said many years ago and has stuck with me on my journey through life.

    It was this: God has the power to know and not to know.

    Think of the implications! If God can know every single thing about us. Our greatest and worst moments are His to judge. Yet, when we accept Christ into our lives, He chooses not to know. He chooses to give grace and to forget our darkest actions and hardened hearts.

    “The Lord is compassionate and merciful,
        slow to get angry and filled with unfailing love.
     He will not constantly accuse us,
        nor remain angry forever.
     He does not punish us for all our sins;
        he does not deal harshly with us, as we deserve.
     For his unfailing love toward those who fear him
        is as great as the height of the heavens above the earth.
     He has removed our sins as far from us
        as the east is from the west.”

    Psalm 103:8-12

    This was something I decided I wanted to do my best to emmulate. I wanted to not know. I wanted to interact with others without them having the fear of my judgement. I wanted my friends and loved ones to share with me only when they felt ready, not because of digging questions.

    It doesn’t mean I don’t ask questions. It means I wait to be invited to ask.

    And it is an art form I am still learning.

    Continuing the adventure,

    Jess

     

  • Mumford and Sons, Exellence, and Common Ground

    This post should have been up a month ago.

    Admittedly, I am not excellent.

    Mumford and Sons, however, are. They excel at their craft, which is why last month a few thousand people and myself packed the Hollywood Bowl to see them play. It was an awesome show. Paul and I had seats pretty close to the front. It was inspiring to look back and see a sea of faces behind us, all stomping their feet, shaking their fists and singing along.

    It made me remember once again the power of refinement and pursuing excellence in your craft. I love the message of Mumford and Sons. Their lyrics point to a human experience which I believe is common to all of us, however, without their skill at intertwining chords and rhythm, the message would be lost. The power would be lost.

    So here is my challenge to the Christians out there, and myself is included in this, go be excellent. Whatever it is you do, whatever your calling, whatever your craft, be excellent. Do not create a subculture where slapping a “Christian” label on something means it is good enough. Go put on your big boy and girl pants, refine your skill, put in the time and compete with the culture at large.

    This is important.

    It is important because being excellent creates common ground. No one gets angry at Mumford and Sons for singing “Serve God, Love me and mend” (which is a quote from a favorite Shakespear play, bonus points if you know which one). People don’t get angry because Mumford and Sons are excellent. They have a larger scope of influence because they are excellent. They attract people of all different walks of life because they are excellent.

    Do you get it yet?

    So next time you feel frustrated with the culture of the world, don’t withdraw. Don’t be angry. Don’t try to shove Jesus at them and make angry picket signs. Instead, quietly and resolutely continue the process of becoming excellent. It will be noticed.

    Continuing the adventure,

    Jessica

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  • Today I am a Hypocrite

    Last night in a mix of good intentions and bad judgement I broke three of my personal rules.

    Don’t write personal messages late at night.

    Don’t speak into a life where I don’t have permission.

    Don’t use Facebook for conversations of the heart.

    This morning, as I contemplated what I had done, I realized what a fool I was. I reread what I wrote and felt ashamed. Since I didn’t have a way to retract the message I sent, I sent a follow up message apologizing and therby solidfying my role as a weird stalker type person.

    Crap.

    To make matters worse, I got an email this morning from Relventmagazine.com. They ran an article I WROTE about the need for an understanding of intimacy in correlation to authenticity.

    My actions are so out of line with my vision of what I want to be, it is ridiculous.

    So there you have it my friends. I am a hypcorite.

    And if you are the person whose business I stuck my big fat nose into, please know, I am truly sorry.

    Continuing the adventure, missteps and all,

    Jess

  • The Other Side of Your Story.

    Last night I went to see Moi and Dex in concert.

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    At one point the word “ridiculous” slipped out under my breath. They are just so talented. Though my favorite part of the concert was not actually the music.

    It was the chance to see two men who are continuing on the adventure of who God is creating them to be. I don’t know very much of their story. I do know, like many of our stories, it has been wraught with challenges and questions. Yesterday night each man stood on stage, with different stories to tell, but with the determination to continue on and the blessings which are apparent in their lives.

    I believe this is the other side of our stories. Sometimes it becomes easier to talk about the pain, the abuse, the questions and the hardships. I think we need to have the freedom to talk about these things. There is healing in expressing where we have come from.

    But…

    The real beauty, the story of redemption which makes my heart beats fast, is in the other side of the story. It is in what happens after everything seems hopeless. It is in the hero winning. It is in the confidence of someone who has survived the battle. It is in finding the treasure.

    Continuing the adventure,

    Jess

     

  • Late Bloomer

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    It’s December and I found this late bloomer in my lemon tree.

    Keep growing my friend.

    Continuing the adventure,

    Jess

  • For Paul

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    If you run
    I’ll give chase
    If you lead
    I will follow
    Embrace me in your arms
    Reteach me the art of the long kiss
    For my words were not hollow
    When I said I chose you.

     

    Continuing the adventure,

    Jess

  • Grace Isn’t for Me.

    This post has been sitting in my drafts box for awhile…

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    It isn’t enough to be me. 

    Jessica is simply not enough.

    This is one lie which I now realize has played on repeat throughout my life. Since I was a small child, I remember moments and times when it just wasn’t enough to be myself. I had to wear a mask. I had to be better. Prettier. Smarter. I had to like boy bands.

    I identified this lie over the summer when I was wrestling with the question of why I didn’t believe there was grace for myself. I realized the grace which I invited others to know through Jesus was something which was not a part of my internal dialogue. I assured others they were created by a loving God with design and purpose. Yet I question why my feet are a funny shape, or why I am not more self disciplined, or why I have such a weird sounding laugh. I tell others how Jesus wants to know them and love them passionately. I tell Jesus He can’t possible want to know me. I hide from His romance. I tell others Jesus does not mearsure them in success and failures. I meticulously count the value of my accomplishments and balance them against my failures, hoping the columes will give me a positive value. They never do.

    So this is how I lived; pouring out the grace of Jesus to others and keeping none for myself. 

    And I didn’t know why.

    It took a venn diagram, two cups of mint tea and a few hours of journaling to dig the lie out. It had dug it’s roots deep into my understanding of who I was. And to me, I simply wasn’t enough.

    This is why failure hurts so much, it confirms the lie. It’s why I am driven to have a life of adventure, it defies the lie. It is why I am terrified and obsessed with success. Success would either show my ability or reveal the places I am lacking. It is why grace is not for me.

    Grace is for the whole who miss the mark. I am not whole. I am not enough.

    I wish I could say identifying the lie was the hard part, but it wasn’t. My friend the neuropsycholgist student told me it only takes 21 days for a thought process to become permenant. It takes a life time to change it after. 

    So this will be my journey, the path of learning to trust Jesus when he says I am enough. 

    Continuing the adventure, 

    Jess