Jess Boctor

Category: Uncategorized

  • Wild Tomatoes

    I had to trim back my tomato vine today.

    Let me rephrase that, I had to hack the vine back into submission under the threat that it might take over my whole yard. The vine had grown out of the support I had set for it and was engulfing it neighbor sage and spilling out onto the patio. As the long vine branches stretched out they hide the branches underneath from the sun and killed them. So much energy was spent on continually expanding that it could no longer support the original structure, so while on the outside the vine appeared to be thriving, it was filled with a dead center. Fruit was being grown in so many directions, that it was wasted. It rotted on the vine, bugs were gnawing at, or, as I finally started to cut away the overgrowth the fruit was simply thrown away still green and incomplete.

    As I was cutting the branches away, it really began to make me think about my own life. It made me think of the times when I spent so much energy trying to do everything, to be anything I thought someone might have needed me to be. I would stretch and push myself so much that I didn’t have the energy necessary to keep it going. I’ve been dead inside, producing fruit that goes uncared for, unfinished and rots. The worst part is, I set myself up for the pruning that God always brings. The painful hacking away of things that distract and make me lose focus. I’ve gone through this cycle so many times, that you would think I had learned my lesson.

    But as I look at my life; at my spiritual, physical and metal health, I realize that it just isn’t true. If you could see through the branches and look at my roots you would realize that I am more unfocused, more dead inside, and more desperate than I have ever felt. On the outside, there are green leaves and fruit, but it is all just a cover up. 

    The good news is that this time, I have realized the mistake myself. I have the shears in my hand and I don’t have to wait for God to change my life’s circumstances, for relationships to break, or for another mental breakdown before I start cutting away the unnecessary. I can start now. I can start today.

    Continuing the adventure, 

    Jess

  • Call Me Jonah

    You might as well call me Jonah

    Cause I’m running
    Away from these things you’re stirring up
    The mud I thought had settled
    Is clouding my vision
    I would rather be eaten alive
    Than try to learn to deal.

    ————————————-
    Continuing the adventure, 

    Jess

  • Seven Year Montage

    Seven years ago today we started this crazy adventure.

    Love ya Babe, can’t wait to see what the next seven years holds.

    Continuing the adventure, 

    Jess

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  • Current Projects.

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  • Why I Love Paramore.

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    Okay, so I love Paramore. I have a feeling that if you looked for my number one played album it would be theirs.

    In fact I just checked. Number 1 of my top 25 played list in iTunes is Pressure. When it Rains, Hallelujah and My Heart are also scattered in the playlist.

    So I have been waiting, sometimes patiently, sometimes not, for when Paul and I would have some extra cash to justify buying their newest album Brand New Eyes. Paul surprised me with the CD, not just the download but the actual CD, when I got off work today.

    And as if their beats, lyrics and quirky fashion sense were not enough to remind me that I love them, what should flutter into my lap as I opened the shiny new case?

    A flier for IJM (International Justice Mission) and Love146.org; two anti-trafficking organizations. Yay for rocking out and raising awareness about modern slavery. 

    Also, if you want an insiders look at IJM you should meet my friend Hannah. She is going to be working for them for the next few months doing amazing stuff. You can read about her adventures at www.imhannahpearl.wordpress.com

    Continuing the adventure, 

    Jess

  • My name is Jessica…

    But you can call me the queen of sneaky.

    Or party planner extraorindaire.
    Or world’s most kick-ass daughter.

    Thank you to everyone who made last night a success, couldn’t have done it without you.
    Thank you to everyone who came and celebrated the worlds most kick-ass mom. 

    Happy Birthday Mom. I love you.

    Continuing the adventure,  
    Jess

  • Feeling again.

    I think that overall, we as people, are very good at convincing ourselves of things we don’t need.

    There may be some basics that we really can’t overcome; like air. Maybe.

    For the most part though, I am completely astounded at human beings ability to convince ourselves that certain necessities are not necessary. That we can turn a blind eye to some essential vacancy in our lives and pretend like we are fully functioning in spite of or without it.

    For example, food. Throughout history, there are examples of people who have survived (not thrived or lived, but survived, an important distinction) on the very most basic of foods or the bare minimal. People who have learned to think about something else, to ignore the pain, to forget it is there.

    Or physical pain. We all know someone who has ignored the pain until it became unbearable. People who just continue to make their tolerance grow until they can say that it doesn’t matter and they function with it.

    The problem is, we are all lying to ourselves. As soon as food is introduced to us again, our bodies recognize the need for it and the hunger returns. When the pain reaches the point of being unbearable, we have must likely done ourselves immense harm. The strangest part is that often, we don’t realize how great the pain was until there is a relief from it. Like a drone in the background it follows us around, our hunger and pain, until we find a source of nutrition or healing.

    I was reminded of this today. Jonathan visited me at work, and if you asked anyone who knows me, they would know that I miss my big little brother every day. That I hate the fact that he lives across the country and that I wish he lived closer. They would not necessarily say that it is a huge deal or that I am overly hungry for his company.

    It seemed to be a double lesson as I sat and talked with my mom. We reminisced about my grandmother and the lessons that she taught us. We worked out truths about life and internally wished for her advice. As we talked their were certain moments where with both had to hold our upper lips stiff against the acute pain of her absence.

    You see, I really do hunger for my brother’s company but I have learned to survive without it. It is only when I have him near and I get to be with him that I realize what I have been missing. I really do live with the pain of my grandmothers absence every day, but it is only when we have moments of healing, when we talk and remember her that I am reminded how great that pain is.

    In a sense I have been living numb.

    It makes me wonder where else I am numb. What other things have I convinced myself don’t really hurt or I don’t really need? There are a few areas of my life that come to mind right away, that I need to shake and wake back up, to start working through the pins and needles.

    What areas of your life are numb?

    Continuing the adventure,  

    Jess