Jess Boctor

Blog

  • Dancing in the Mourning

    Is a life only obedient in joy worth anything?

    How much you love those who love you,

    How much more you love those who wrestle with you!

    I have spent days in the light

    When laughter was easy and your love sweet

    Now I have spent days in darkness

    In these days I have learned to dance, though my vision is blurred

    In these days I have learned to sing, though my heart beats out of time

    I have a new song,

    A song of faithfulness.

  • My Phantom life

    So this post title has been sitting in my drafts pile for a while. I’ve been ignoring it, hoping that maybe I can avoid talking about the real me and confessing to you the phantom that I have become.

    I can’t.

    So grab a box of tissues as I introduce you to the blonde behind the mask and the struggles she faces.

    The first one is not to cry first thing in the morning. There are good days and bad days, there are real reasons for crying and bad reasons for crying but in an average week I will cry at least three days of seven if not more. The hardest part is for poor Paul usually our conversations go like this,

    P:Why are you crying?

    J: I don’t know why I’m crying.

    P: What should I do?

    J: I don’t know what you should do.

    And we both feel helpless and sucky. Lots of times we pray. Sometimes it helps.

    The next struggle is to not pretend that I haven’t been crying. Most days I act like nothing has happened and plaster on the “Happy-go-lucky-my-heart-isn’t-really-broken” smile. It kills me each and every time but it is easier then dealing with reality, it is easier then telling people how I really feel and it is most definitely easier then connecting with a God who wants to heal me. Why is it easier? Because if I connect with a God who wants to heal me then I have to admit that something is wrong and it hurts so much…it just does.

    The third struggle and the last one for today is to not hate church. I feel like such a hypocrite because I am the one who has built up walls around myself so that no one can see how much I’m dying inside, the only problem is that whenever I see someone who says they love me I just want to scream, “Then why don’t you see I’m dying!”

    So that’s the blonde behind the phantom, that’s whats really going on inside. Please pray for me as I continue down this path of healing and I deal daily with my issues.

    And today started out as such a good day….

  • Master of None.

    This was tucked into my fortune cookie yesterday:

    “You are the master of every situation.”

    I don’t think I have ever received a more bold faced lie wrapped in something so sweet. If anything the past year has taught me that I am the master of…well…nothing. I can’t even keep my own head on straight at this point.

    More and more each day as I fight Satans whispers in my ear, my own dysfunction, and the random weeping I realize that I am the master of NONE. It is god who is master of all, he is the master of my life and he is the one who I am learning

    v e r y s l o w l y

    to give everything over to. The verse that I have deemed my life verse and the has been getting me through most days is Lukas 1,38 “Da sagte Maria: Ich bin die Magd des Herrn: mir geschehe, wie du es gesagt hast.”

    The part I hang onto the most is “Ich bin die Magd des Herrn.” In english it means, “I am the Handmaiden of the Lord.”

    A handmaiden is not a Master.

    I am master of none.

  • I wish I were a Bad Ass.

    I wish I were a Bad Ass
    I wouldn’t care what anyone thought
    I could drink until I puked
    and fight anyone who thought I ought not

    I wish I were a Bad Ass
    I would say whatever I wanted
    Like fuck and shit and dammit to hell
    And I would laugh as old grandmas looked daunted

    I wish I were a Bad Ass
    I could forget about my loneliness
    I would have the craziest friends
    And if they pissed me off I could leave them for their shallowness

    I wish I were a Bad Ass
    Though it may not seem the best deal
    I would be free of loving without return
    And I think its so much easier then being real.

  • Warum ich kann ihr nicht lassen.

    Es gibt vier Monate seit meine Oma gestörben war. Die ist komisch, die ist in der Nähe von verruckt, wie meine Leben weiter geht trötz die große Teil, die verlören ist. Leute sagen mir dass eines Tages die Schmerz kleine sein wird. Glaube ich ihm nicht. Hier schreibe ich meine Begründung warum ich ihr nicht lassen kann.

    Wenn ich stehe jeder Morgen auf, sehe ich ihre Bild auf meinem Kuhlschrank. Ich wasche meinen Kleidung und ich fand ein T-Shirt, sie es mir gekauft hat. In jedes Zimmer gibt es eine Erinnerung von ihr. Oder eine Geschank. Oder eine Bilde. Oder eine Breif. Eine Geburtstagekarte. Jeder Tag muss ich ihre Geist treffen.

    Wie kann man so große Teil ihres Lebenes lassen? Ich kann nicht. Jetzt frage ich, wie kann man mit einem Geist weiter leben?

  • Charity

    My life has been a lot about me lately. Thats a funny sentence to write on a Blog that is all about me. Especially since I haven’t Blogged in awhile. A contradictory little circle isn’t it?

    The point is that I needed to do something that would help others. Here are my two acts of charity.

    First, I painted a picture for a friend of mine from work. He is having a fundraiser casino night/silent auction in order to raise money for AIDS research. This is a topic that is pretty close to my heart. Here’s a pic of the painting and the explanation that I gave him. You can click on the picture for a better view.

    AIDS in my lifeI offer to you this painting as a visual representation of my own loss in this confusing and strange battle against the AIDS epidemic. My uncle was killed December 1st, 1994 by the disease. I was 10 years old at the time and I remember with distinction the confusion and hurt that shrouded his death as I tried to understand this strange disease that ate away slowly at his mind and body. This painting is my tribute to his memory and a reminder of the urgency of finding a cure least more suffer, both as victims and survivors, to the AIDS epidemic.

    My second act of charity was to benefit the cancer kids. I chopped off my hair and donated 12 inches to Locks of Love. Here are the pics:

  • Oh the places you will go…

    Oh the places you will go when you love someone. You can travel the world, Joy fills every moment and you fly on the wings of laughter.
    But what happens when that person is taken away from you, when joy seems as far away as the east from the west, when laughter doesn’t heal the pain. Oh the places you will go…

    Oh the places you will go when you live a life in obeidence to Gods calling, when you see his hand guiding your steps and there is joy in your work.
    But what happens when he hides his face from you, when he asks you to go through the valley and when he asks you to trust him without any understanding of the drak places he is leading you. Oh the places you will go…

    oh the places I am going…