Jess Boctor

Tag: #foolishauthenticity

  • Jessi do it. And fail. #foolishauthenticity

    I am a fairly capable and confident person.

    As a result of this my loved ones have come up with a phrase to describe my ability, or stubbornness, to do things on my own. Jessi do it. They throw this phrase out when they know I’ve bitten off more than I can chew. Much like a pin pops a ballon they use this phrase to remind me it’s okay to ask for help when my ambition and insistence to do things on my own expands wildly out of control.

    Mostly they use it because it’s true, most of the time I really believe I can do anything.

    Then there are days like today.

    Today my confidence is shaken. Today whispers fill my mind about what a dimwit I am. Today it is just frustrating to be me. Of course it all started yesterday when I locked our dog, cell phone, wallet, and keys into our new apartment. 100€ later and all were rescued but I couldn’t help thinking “today is one of those days where it sucks to be me.”

    This morning Paul and I woke up early to go pick up his visa at the Auslanderamt. The problem is that I made the wrong appointment to pick up a nonexistent ID card and not his visa. Waste of time. Once again it sucks to be me. Sigh. It’s these days when I have to be reminded who I am in Christ. I am someone who is loved and valuable despite my life skills handicap. I am here for a reason even if it is simply to fund the locksmiths career.

    I’m Jessi. And I can do this.

    Continuing the adventure,

    Jess

  • My Body Tattles on Me #foolishauthenticity

    A few weeks ago I wrote about the decision I made to be at peace-no matter what was happening around me.

    Not as easy as it sounds.

    In many ways I have achieved what I set out to do. The swings from desperation to elation have evened out. I rely on my belief God has me here for a reason. I feel more level and can think a little bit more clearly when a new fill-in-the-blank-issue (and there is always a new issue) arises. I have learned to not let external things control me or dictate my state of mind. 

    I feel at peace. 

    Or at least stable.

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    I realize though that I have not yet learned to completely release these issues, or more importantly, I am not releasing the symptoms of these issues. As much as I love my life and the adventure I am able to participate in, I cannot deny it has been stressful. My body is no longer letting me deny it. 

    I’ve had a interesting range of symptoms from a strange knot in my neck which would not go away for two weeks, to a supressed immune system which is letting me catch every cold floating around, to a migrain which put me out of comission for three days. Paul is beginning to think I am a hypochondriac but I am realizing many of these things are related to stress. It seems I am more than willing to release the outcome of an issue but I am holding onto to the associated stress. Everything from the last few months has been pressed down and compressed within me. It is to the point that it is spilling out through these strange illnesses. I just keep slapping bandages of “decisions to be at peace” over them.

    The bandaids aren’t holding.

    So this week we are moving to our new apartment (Yay!), and afterwards I am taking a day off. A Sabbath of letting go of stress and holding onto my God.

    Continuing the adventure, 

    Jess