Jess Boctor

Tag: God

  • Dear 15 Year Old Me

    I was recently asked what I wish I knew when I was you.

    Oh, the many ways which I could reply. Stay away from fake tanner. Show up to school on time. Get rid of you cat. Be more fearless.

    However, the one essential thing which I wish I had known was this: do less and do it well.

    See, the awesome-on-paper well rounded super teen which you are trying to be is only an illusion. She doesn’t exist. Who does exist is a stressed out monster who doesn’t really know what she wants from life yet. Instead of trying to achieve GPA greatness and a list of extracurricular activities long enough to overflow a college application, you need to spend more time figuring out who God made you to be.

    Believe me, it’s not an attorney, ivy league graduate or power house business suit type. It has nothing to do with your AP scores. The medal you’re about to pay for with hours upon hours of your life and countless tears eventually ends up in a shoe box in storage. Is it really worth it?

    Paul, that guy you’re about to start dating, has been teaching me about not living with regrets. So I don’t regret the journey I went through. I am glad I had the friendships I did. I’m glad I have that medal in a shoe box.

    But…

    I wonder how awesome I would have been if at 15 I had started to dig out the gifts God gave me, instead of 28. I wonder if there weren’t opportunities I missed because I was so busy “preparing for life” that I missed living it. I wonder what life would look like if I had focused on doing less but doing it to the best of my ability.

    So, no regrets, just a strange curiosity and hope that some other 15 year old will think twice when they read this.

    Continuing the adventure,

    Jess

  • Time, Talent, and Treasure

    Here are some quotes which have been permeating my thoughts lately:

    “We are each given different gifts and talents by our Master. the thing that matters most is how we use what we have been given, not how muchwe make or do compared to someone else. What matters is that we spend ourselves.” -Francis Chan Crazy Love

    “Jesus did not ask the disciples to do the impossible; He asked only for them to bring to Him what they had. He then multiplied the small offering and used it to do the impossible.” Richard Stearns, The Hole in our Gospel 

    “time, talent, and treasure. Each of us has resources in all three of these categories, and we often have far more to offer than we think.” Richard Stearns, The Hole in our Gospel

    “For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.” Matthew 6:32-33 NIV

    “You may say to yourself, ‘My power and the strength of my hands have produced this wealth for me.’ But remember the Lord your God, for it is he who gives you the ability to produce wealth” Deuteronomy 8:17-18

    I recently shared that on the brink of self publishing my novel, God asked me to wait.

    As I figuratively put the book back on the shelf, I picked up these other books: my Bible, Crazy Love, The Hole in our Gospel, and Compassion, Justice and the Christain Life. As I have read these books, I found a theme moving to the foreground of my thoughts: give it all up. 

    Not just a little bit; all of it. Spend it all.

    Give your time. Give you talent. Give your treasure. Trust God that He will provide all you need.

    Trust God.

    Give away the book.

    Trust God.

    This book is a combination of these three categories. I have spent uncounted hours working on the story. It is a completed work using my abilities as a writer. It is my hope for financial freedom and security.

    Give it away. Trust God.

    I wish I could say this process has been easy, but it hasn’t. I was really looking forward to the day dreams coming true. I was looking so forward to them, my eyes weren’t looking to God. This is why the two verses above have been so convicting for me. I need to trust God knows what I need, and whatever He provides is enough. I need to remember the Lord who gave me this story and that it is His to use for His glory. 

    Give it away. 

    Trust God.

    Bondage is now availble to read online. For Free. Enjoy, and tell your friends.

    Continuing the adventure, 

    Jess

  • Hurry Up and Wait.

    I am a deadline driven person; mostly this means that if I do not have a solid deadline ahead of me I won’t get anything done. Unfortunately, since many of my pursuits are self motivated, this means I have needed to become the one who sets the deadlines. I give myself imaginary dates to complete certain tasks by so I know I am staying on track with progress.

    The issue I find myself running into is that my deadlines often do not account for the God of the Universe and His claim on my life. I can find myself frantic; trying to meet some predisposed date on a calendar, trying to finish the last touches, trying to prove to the world I CAN do it.

    And then a voice intervenes. 

    “Just wait.”

    I get frustrated, I feel let down. I assume that if I do all the work, God will just show up and bless it. I often forget to ask if it is His work I am doing. Why would I expect Him to bless work which he did not require?

    “Just wait.”

    I wonder what I am doing wrong. I wonder just how long He expects me to wait. I question and nag. My heart seems broken at feeling like I have spent my whole life waiting.

    “Just wait.”

    3 I remain confident of this: 
       I will see the goodness of the LORD 
       in the land of the living. 
    14 Wait for the LORD; 
       be strong and take heart 
       and wait for the LORD.

    Psalm 27:13-14

    “Just wait.”

    So my novel is going to remain unpublished for now. I was preparing to publish it on Amazon through kindle and then Createspace; but God has asked me to wait. I will seek to be confident in the goodness of the Lord, I will take heart, and I will wait.

    I would love to hear other’s stories on waiting for God’s timing.

    Continuing the adventure,

    Jess

  • Our Father #26daysofprayer

    These two words are some of the hardest for me to grapple with as a Christian.

    Our Father.

    My Father. 

    I don’t understand it. I don’t understand why a God who can create an ever expanding universe would care about being my dad. Why he would care about me in the ways described throughout the bible. He knit me together, gifted me, breathed life into me, has watched the well’s depth of tears that I have cried, seen my brightest moments and knows my inner defeats and has counted every hair on my head. 

    Why?

    This question of why comes from hurts which have occurred in my life (none of which we inflicted by my human father). It is a question which Satan uses to push me into a place of pain and has taught me to run from my Father. There are many walls which have been built upon the question of “why” in my life, and I know this is the first place that needs healing.

    So please pray for me that I would be protected from Satan as I begin this journey. Pray that I will begin to have peace in the fact that I don’t deserve an answer to why from the God which created the universe. Pray that I will begin to heal and see our Father with a new perspective. 
    Continuing the adventure, 

    Jess

  • O is for Opaque and Optimism

    I found this blog entry from a few years back, it was probably one of the darkest periods of my depression I had ever gone through. Rereading the post reminded me of one of the most dangerous symptoms of depression: becoming opaque. Here is an excerpt from the post to illustrate what I mean:

    “The next struggle is to not pretend that I haven’t been crying. Most days I act like nothing has happened and plaster on the “Happy-go-lucky-my-heart-isn’t-really-broken” smile. It kills me each and every time but it is easier then dealing with reality, it is easier then telling people how I really feel and it is most definitely easier then connecting with a God who wants to heal me. Why is it easier? Because if I connect with a God who wants to heal me then I have to admit that something is wrong and it hurts so much…it just does.”

    Something which is opaque cannot been seen through, it is impenetrable to light, it does not shine. Depression makes me opaque; I build walls so people cannot see who I  really am. I don’t let the light of Christ penetrate into my life. I stop shinning. I cover myself in a thick skin, and learn to smile over the pain. I feel people often don’t believe that depression is a real struggle for me because I have become so good at learning to grin and bare it. There is danger there. 

    The danger is that there cannot be healing in solitude. The mask will eventually begin to chafe, and adds to the pain. People who genuinely care for you become thorns in your side because you wont’, you cant, share what is really going on inside. How can you explain that you would rather sleep then face the sunlight? How do you explain that getting dressed was an accomplishment today? How do you tell your husband, your parents, your friends that all you really want is to leave because you think starting over may be the only way to escape the pain?

    How do you share the darkest part of your soul?

    You can’t. There aren’t really words to explain it. Every time you try to give definition to what hurts, it shifts. It changes, and you don’t have a logical, reasonable or even plausible explanation as to why. So you hide it. You cover it up, coating yourself in fake smiles, assurances that “I’m fine”, and normal life. You die in your own creation. 

    I have learned the only way to fight is with optimism.

    Not happy simplistic, “The sun will come out tomorrow”. 

    You have to have genuine hope that someday you will be healed. Optimism which takes root and leads to action, maybe to get counseling (which I went through for year, and then returned to last spring). Optimism which lets you share with someone what you are going through. Optimism which allows you to really believe the world won’t end if you begin to peel away the layers. Optimism which allows the light of Christ to begin its healing work, which allows who you were meant to be to shine through.

    Optimism which helps you to remember you really aren’t alone.

    Continuing the adventure, 

    Jess

  • Broken of Ambivalence

    Yesterday, our church met for this first time in our new building. Not just any new building, but OUR new building. Our church has been homeless for 12 years, wandering from the hospitality of one location to the next, schlepping and hooking 400 chairs with us as we went. This summer alone we have met in three different locations.

    My attitude when I woke up Sunday morning can be best described as meh.

    You see, God made me to be a wanderer. As a child I was deemed to be a “bag lady” always prepped with whatever four Lego pieces, doll outfit, snippet of string and the color of the moment crayon which I thought I would need all tucked into a small bag ready to go at a moments notice. As I have gotten older, I still have Gypsy soul which always searches the horizon for where my next adventure lies. Currently, I carry in my mind a mental check list of those things which I need to accomplish in order to become a mobility cheetah; ready to spring at any opportunity which comes in my sight.

    So as my church has gone through the arduous task of searching for, purchasing, and renovating a building to call home I have not had much emotional investment. It is mostly a fact to me that we needed a building of our own. I could clearly see the time and creative benefits of not having to set up and tear down a sanctuary each and every week. The money which Paul and I gave was God’s already, so giving it up in answer to the call of funding has been more of another bill to me. I just checked it off every month; utilities, rent, school loans, and building fund.

    Even as I was writing prayers for the church which would be sheltered in the sanctuaries walls, I couldn’t quite catch the bug of enthusiasm that was buzzing in the air. It was just a building, just concrete and rebar, and wood. I didn’t understand.

    So now we are back to Sunday morning, when the pieces started to make a bigger picture. Seeing all of the people who have become my spiritual family housed in one sanctuary set the corner edge. Worshiping with our band, and knowing that we could use as many lights and amps as we wanted because it was our stage started forming the border. Our pastors message, reminding the congregation of the many miracles God had done to bring us to this place filled in the outer edges. The quiet whispers of God in my ear, reminding me that while He made me to wander He made others to set down roots and there is purpose in us all, started giving the image pattern.

    But the final piece, the one that makes the whole picture make sense, is a teenager in shabby clothes holding a worn out pillow case. He timidly accepts the piece of candy which I offer him, eyes full of doubt that it might all be a trick. The evening after our first service in our new building, we hosted Trunk or Treat, a free event in which people from our church decorate their cars and hand out candy. We invited our new neighbors to the event, and we had an amazing turn out. It was humbling to watch the reactions of those who didn’t know who we were, these crazy people dressed up in funny outfits with random decorations strewn across our cars. All laughing, all smiling and handing out candy, to the confusing amazement of people who may not receive many maniac acts of kindness like my church doles out.

    Jesus was a wanderer. Often times, it is this fact which reminds me that I am on the right track, that I don’t need a nest or a fox hole, I just need to keep following Jesus. However, much of Jesus’ ministry was dependent on the hospitality of those who put down roots. People who built homes, who stocked their pantries and then offered those homes and pantries up to God. Where would Mary Magdalen be if a pharisee had not opened their home to Jesus? Where would the timid teenager have been Sunday night if we had not built a home for our church?

    I have learned my lesson. I was not made to set down roots, I am like dandelion seeds which sail the wind. However, I know that whenever the air grows still, I have a family of oaks which I can rest under. Thank you for setting down your roots.
    Continuing the adventure, 

    Jess