Jess Boctor

Tag: Jessica Boctor

  • Rejoicing in Suffering

    I attended service at Mosaic Church in Hollywood on Sunday.

    The pastor, Erwin McManus, was preaching on the idea of being ‘All In’ for God. His premise was that God is already all in for you and requires nothing less than we be all in for Him. It is not a choice or an option as a Christain, it is what we are called to.

    McManus referenced Acts during his talk, and there was one verse which stuck out to me. It is was given in the context of the Temple leaders having imprisioned, released, and then flogged the apostles for preaching in the name of Jesus. The verse which hit home is Acts 5:41:

    “The apostles left the high council rejoicing that God had counted them worthy to suffer disgrace for the name of Jesus.”

    I have a habit of writing questions to myself in my journals. Things which I know I need to ponder and consider later on. That night I wrote to myself, “When was the last time I rejoiced in suffering for Jesus?”

    When was the last time I rejoiced that God counted me worthy to move to another country? When was the last time I rejoiced that He knew financial stress wouldn’t break me? When was the last time I rejoiced that by declaring myself a Christain I am often thought of as narrow minded, foolish, and uninteligent? When was the last time I was glad for the rebuff I have received for living a life grounded in the Bible?

    As I talked some of these thoughts over with my dad the next morning, it was clear rejoicing was not the term I would use when thinking on these things. However, I am going to make it my goal. Not the fake “everything is okay though the world is falling to pieces” type of rejoicing. Not a plastic smile type. I want the real type. The type of joy which settles in your bones and bubbles out slowly. I want the type of rejoicing which is quiet, undeclared and always present. I want the type which makes me assured God knows what is happening sucks and it hurts me. I also want Him to know I think He is worth it.

    Continuing the adventure,

    Jess

  • Dear 15 Year Old Me

    I was recently asked what I wish I knew when I was you.

    Oh, the many ways which I could reply. Stay away from fake tanner. Show up to school on time. Get rid of you cat. Be more fearless.

    However, the one essential thing which I wish I had known was this: do less and do it well.

    See, the awesome-on-paper well rounded super teen which you are trying to be is only an illusion. She doesn’t exist. Who does exist is a stressed out monster who doesn’t really know what she wants from life yet. Instead of trying to achieve GPA greatness and a list of extracurricular activities long enough to overflow a college application, you need to spend more time figuring out who God made you to be.

    Believe me, it’s not an attorney, ivy league graduate or power house business suit type. It has nothing to do with your AP scores. The medal you’re about to pay for with hours upon hours of your life and countless tears eventually ends up in a shoe box in storage. Is it really worth it?

    Paul, that guy you’re about to start dating, has been teaching me about not living with regrets. So I don’t regret the journey I went through. I am glad I had the friendships I did. I’m glad I have that medal in a shoe box.

    But…

    I wonder how awesome I would have been if at 15 I had started to dig out the gifts God gave me, instead of 28. I wonder if there weren’t opportunities I missed because I was so busy “preparing for life” that I missed living it. I wonder what life would look like if I had focused on doing less but doing it to the best of my ability.

    So, no regrets, just a strange curiosity and hope that some other 15 year old will think twice when they read this.

    Continuing the adventure,

    Jess

  • Jessi do it. And fail. #foolishauthenticity

    I am a fairly capable and confident person.

    As a result of this my loved ones have come up with a phrase to describe my ability, or stubbornness, to do things on my own. Jessi do it. They throw this phrase out when they know I’ve bitten off more than I can chew. Much like a pin pops a ballon they use this phrase to remind me it’s okay to ask for help when my ambition and insistence to do things on my own expands wildly out of control.

    Mostly they use it because it’s true, most of the time I really believe I can do anything.

    Then there are days like today.

    Today my confidence is shaken. Today whispers fill my mind about what a dimwit I am. Today it is just frustrating to be me. Of course it all started yesterday when I locked our dog, cell phone, wallet, and keys into our new apartment. 100€ later and all were rescued but I couldn’t help thinking “today is one of those days where it sucks to be me.”

    This morning Paul and I woke up early to go pick up his visa at the Auslanderamt. The problem is that I made the wrong appointment to pick up a nonexistent ID card and not his visa. Waste of time. Once again it sucks to be me. Sigh. It’s these days when I have to be reminded who I am in Christ. I am someone who is loved and valuable despite my life skills handicap. I am here for a reason even if it is simply to fund the locksmiths career.

    I’m Jessi. And I can do this.

    Continuing the adventure,

    Jess

  • Presto-Change-O: Whiskey Box to Owl Jewelry Box

    I need a jewelry box.

    The small amount of jewelry I brought with me from the states has been thrown into a shoe box along with an assortments of medicines and cometics. However, since money is precious commodity, I didn’t want to buy a jewelry box.

    Thankfully, working in a pub has a few fringe benefits. One of them being the fact that certain bottles of whiskey come in very nice wooden boxes. I took this Middelton Whiskey box:

    Midleton_very_rare

    And presto! A favorite stencil and a few sharpies later, I have a great new jewelry box! 

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    Continuing the adventure, 

    Jessica

  • When Peace is a Decision.

    There are seasons of life when you have to choose to be at peace.

    They are the seasons when no matter how much you hustle or try to be proactive, your future is simply not in your hands. Paul and I have been living this season since our move to Germany. We try to be as proactive as possible only to have some office say they need just one more piece of paper.

    You have to decide to be at peace. You have to choose to not let your circumstances dicate your emotions. You have take the breaths of encouragement when you get them. You have to hold onto them when you dive deep into beaurcractic processes.

    You have to let the tide to take you where you need to go. You have to realize this may not always be the same place as where you want to go. It most definitely won’t be on your time schedule either.

    You have to trust the one who commands the sea.

    [Jesus] replied, “You of little faith, why are you so afraid?” Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm. Matthew 8:26

    Continuning the adventure, 

    Jess

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  • The Journey Part I

    I was invited to perform a couple spoken word pieces at Mosaik’s International Food Night on Saturday. The theme of the evening was inspiration. This is the first piece I performed.

     

     

    I was once called air
    Assured it wasn’t meant as offence
    But I couldn’t help the hurt
    As I wanted to be of more substance

    Now I have long been on this journey
    Ten years of attempts to be profound
    But the scenery is looking too familiar
    As I realize I am at the starting ground

    The things I’ve tried to be
    The costumes I’ve tried to wear
    Are starting to have a comic effect
    And people stop to stare

    So I have learned my lesson
    It is best to be my own element
    And if people find me flighty
    It is just because I am different
    But trying to wear their expectations
    Like ballast weighs me down
    And I can no longer fight the feeling
    I am meant for higher ground.

     

    Continuing the adventure, 

    Jessica