Jess Boctor

Tag: Living on Purpose

  • Dear 15 Year Old Me

    I was recently asked what I wish I knew when I was you.

    Oh, the many ways which I could reply. Stay away from fake tanner. Show up to school on time. Get rid of you cat. Be more fearless.

    However, the one essential thing which I wish I had known was this: do less and do it well.

    See, the awesome-on-paper well rounded super teen which you are trying to be is only an illusion. She doesn’t exist. Who does exist is a stressed out monster who doesn’t really know what she wants from life yet. Instead of trying to achieve GPA greatness and a list of extracurricular activities long enough to overflow a college application, you need to spend more time figuring out who God made you to be.

    Believe me, it’s not an attorney, ivy league graduate or power house business suit type. It has nothing to do with your AP scores. The medal you’re about to pay for with hours upon hours of your life and countless tears eventually ends up in a shoe box in storage. Is it really worth it?

    Paul, that guy you’re about to start dating, has been teaching me about not living with regrets. So I don’t regret the journey I went through. I am glad I had the friendships I did. I’m glad I have that medal in a shoe box.

    But…

    I wonder how awesome I would have been if at 15 I had started to dig out the gifts God gave me, instead of 28. I wonder if there weren’t opportunities I missed because I was so busy “preparing for life” that I missed living it. I wonder what life would look like if I had focused on doing less but doing it to the best of my ability.

    So, no regrets, just a strange curiosity and hope that some other 15 year old will think twice when they read this.

    Continuing the adventure,

    Jess

  • Mumford and Sons, Exellence, and Common Ground

    This post should have been up a month ago.

    Admittedly, I am not excellent.

    Mumford and Sons, however, are. They excel at their craft, which is why last month a few thousand people and myself packed the Hollywood Bowl to see them play. It was an awesome show. Paul and I had seats pretty close to the front. It was inspiring to look back and see a sea of faces behind us, all stomping their feet, shaking their fists and singing along.

    It made me remember once again the power of refinement and pursuing excellence in your craft. I love the message of Mumford and Sons. Their lyrics point to a human experience which I believe is common to all of us, however, without their skill at intertwining chords and rhythm, the message would be lost. The power would be lost.

    So here is my challenge to the Christians out there, and myself is included in this, go be excellent. Whatever it is you do, whatever your calling, whatever your craft, be excellent. Do not create a subculture where slapping a “Christian” label on something means it is good enough. Go put on your big boy and girl pants, refine your skill, put in the time and compete with the culture at large.

    This is important.

    It is important because being excellent creates common ground. No one gets angry at Mumford and Sons for singing “Serve God, Love me and mend” (which is a quote from a favorite Shakespear play, bonus points if you know which one). People don’t get angry because Mumford and Sons are excellent. They have a larger scope of influence because they are excellent. They attract people of all different walks of life because they are excellent.

    Do you get it yet?

    So next time you feel frustrated with the culture of the world, don’t withdraw. Don’t be angry. Don’t try to shove Jesus at them and make angry picket signs. Instead, quietly and resolutely continue the process of becoming excellent. It will be noticed.

    Continuing the adventure,

    Jessica

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  • Jessi do it. And fail. #foolishauthenticity

    I am a fairly capable and confident person.

    As a result of this my loved ones have come up with a phrase to describe my ability, or stubbornness, to do things on my own. Jessi do it. They throw this phrase out when they know I’ve bitten off more than I can chew. Much like a pin pops a ballon they use this phrase to remind me it’s okay to ask for help when my ambition and insistence to do things on my own expands wildly out of control.

    Mostly they use it because it’s true, most of the time I really believe I can do anything.

    Then there are days like today.

    Today my confidence is shaken. Today whispers fill my mind about what a dimwit I am. Today it is just frustrating to be me. Of course it all started yesterday when I locked our dog, cell phone, wallet, and keys into our new apartment. 100€ later and all were rescued but I couldn’t help thinking “today is one of those days where it sucks to be me.”

    This morning Paul and I woke up early to go pick up his visa at the Auslanderamt. The problem is that I made the wrong appointment to pick up a nonexistent ID card and not his visa. Waste of time. Once again it sucks to be me. Sigh. It’s these days when I have to be reminded who I am in Christ. I am someone who is loved and valuable despite my life skills handicap. I am here for a reason even if it is simply to fund the locksmiths career.

    I’m Jessi. And I can do this.

    Continuing the adventure,

    Jess

  • My Body Tattles on Me #foolishauthenticity

    A few weeks ago I wrote about the decision I made to be at peace-no matter what was happening around me.

    Not as easy as it sounds.

    In many ways I have achieved what I set out to do. The swings from desperation to elation have evened out. I rely on my belief God has me here for a reason. I feel more level and can think a little bit more clearly when a new fill-in-the-blank-issue (and there is always a new issue) arises. I have learned to not let external things control me or dictate my state of mind. 

    I feel at peace. 

    Or at least stable.

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    I realize though that I have not yet learned to completely release these issues, or more importantly, I am not releasing the symptoms of these issues. As much as I love my life and the adventure I am able to participate in, I cannot deny it has been stressful. My body is no longer letting me deny it. 

    I’ve had a interesting range of symptoms from a strange knot in my neck which would not go away for two weeks, to a supressed immune system which is letting me catch every cold floating around, to a migrain which put me out of comission for three days. Paul is beginning to think I am a hypochondriac but I am realizing many of these things are related to stress. It seems I am more than willing to release the outcome of an issue but I am holding onto to the associated stress. Everything from the last few months has been pressed down and compressed within me. It is to the point that it is spilling out through these strange illnesses. I just keep slapping bandages of “decisions to be at peace” over them.

    The bandaids aren’t holding.

    So this week we are moving to our new apartment (Yay!), and afterwards I am taking a day off. A Sabbath of letting go of stress and holding onto my God.

    Continuing the adventure, 

    Jess

  • Rescue Is Possible

    It seems that lately, in every part of my life I meet someone who is struggling with depression. Not the its-grey-outside-so-I’m-feeling-melancholy kind of depression. I mean the hard to escape takes the breath out of your lungs kind of depression.

    My heart aches for these friends.

    Maybe more so because I have been there. I have been through those days where you lock your jaw and just go one with life. I have been through those days when it feels like you are going insane and the only thing which keeps the rage inside is a mask of civility.

    I’ve been there.

    I was thinking about these friends and I remembered a song I wrote as I went through the process of healing. I want to share it in the hopes that they will know rescue and healing is possible. 

    Rescue is possible.

    Continuing the adventure, 

    Jess

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    Rescue Me

    The mask I wear

    Gets heavier every day

    The games I play

    Stopped making sense to me

    The fear I face

    Is fading into the grey

    The beast I fight

    Is waiting inside of me

    The hole is getting darker

    The zoombie is getting stronger

    And I’m getting tired

    So please resuce me

    The story I tell

    They don’t want to hear

    The hell I live

    They refuse to see

    The hole is getting darker

    The zoombie is getting stronger

    And I’m getting tired

    So please resuce me

    Your eyes see through the darkness

    Your light blinds this monster

    And I can’t think of another

    Who can rescue me

    So please

    Please resuce me

  • When Peace is a Decision.

    There are seasons of life when you have to choose to be at peace.

    They are the seasons when no matter how much you hustle or try to be proactive, your future is simply not in your hands. Paul and I have been living this season since our move to Germany. We try to be as proactive as possible only to have some office say they need just one more piece of paper.

    You have to decide to be at peace. You have to choose to not let your circumstances dicate your emotions. You have take the breaths of encouragement when you get them. You have to hold onto them when you dive deep into beaurcractic processes.

    You have to let the tide to take you where you need to go. You have to realize this may not always be the same place as where you want to go. It most definitely won’t be on your time schedule either.

    You have to trust the one who commands the sea.

    [Jesus] replied, “You of little faith, why are you so afraid?” Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm. Matthew 8:26

    Continuning the adventure, 

    Jess

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  • Pub-Life Initiation

    I was having dinner with friends from work last night. Our conversation turned to music. They soon realised I had somehow escaped a vital initiation piece: karaoke. It happened to be Sunday night when we host the socially awkward rite of passage. So this oversight was quickly remedied.

    Continuing the adventure, 

    Jessica

    PS. Fly Me to the Moon was also the song Paul and I danced to at our wedding 🙂