Jess Boctor

Tag: sandals church

  • Losing Sight of the Crowd

    For the past few weeks, my church has been discussing the concept of core sins. The background behind core sins is that there are nine basic sin traits (think a negative Myers-briggs), from which most other sins or harmful behavior manifest themselves.

    My poison is Envy.

    I had known this for a few years now. Envy comes from a desire to be unique–or, termed another way, more special than anyone else. Of course, the only way to identify yourself as more or less unique than others is to compare yourselves to them.

    Is she prettier than me?

    Can he come up with better ideas than I can?

    I could be as financially disciplined as they are, but then I would be just as joyless…

    I am sometimes deluded into thinking that others can’t see my envy because it doesn’t show up in the way it might be expected to (I’m different, remember, I can’t sin the way you think I should). I don’t care much about material things, so if you have a nice car or own a great home, I can pretty easily congratulate you on your success. However, if you start sharing your plans to travel the world, or start a new creative business, or talk about your rock solid faith– you might as well stab me with kryptonite. If you really want me to turn into a green envy hulk, tell me about your new book deal. I dare you. The worst thing you can ever say to me is, “You’re just like me, her, him, it, blah blah blah”. Those words make my skin crawl every time.

    So over the last few weeks, I have been comforting myself with this thought: our sins are often times our strengths turned against us. I would tell people, “I wasn’t designed to follow the crowd, I’m never going to fit in, so I should just embrace my strangeness. Now I just have to learn to love others when they do cool things too!”

    There is one problem with this, it completely takes for granted the fact that no one was ever ‘made’ for the crowd. Each individual is a beautiful, unique, intentionally crafted piece of art which God placed on earth. God has given each of us unique perspectives, feelings, experiences, gifts and talents. This is a belief I hold to my core.

    Right up until it threatens how unique I am.

    The problem with the concept of ‘the crowd’ is that it inherently assumes some sort of ‘otherness’ or separation between myself and the mysterious and ominous ‘them’. ‘They’ are all followers, I strike my own path. ‘They’ all feel comfortable together, I am awkward. ‘They’ set up the rules, I break them. ‘They’ are different from me.

    But who are ‘they’? Are ‘they’ really different than me if you strip away all the fluff of humanity and get to the heart of each person? What am I if you take away the things which God has graciously bestowed on me? I am broken sinner with a streak of self hatred. Are ‘they’ any different?

    Today, at church, God confronted me with how deep my envy has rooted itself into my perception of myself and the world around me. My envy causes me to constantly compare myself to others, to a fantasy life which I think I want (but ultimately would probably be my undoing), and to an imagined group of people who seem determined to get me to conform to a standard which doesn’t exist anywhere outside of my own mind. My envy makes me hate myself for not being like the crowd, and hate myself for when I am like the crowd. Worst of all, my envy takes my eyes off of Jesus. This is sin at it’s definition, it is missing the mark of Jesus.

    Our pastor shared a verse today which I may consider having tattooed across my forehead, or I may at least put up on my bathroom mirror:

    “If you think you are better than others, when you really aren’t, you are wrong. Do your own work well, and then you will have something to be proud of. But don’t compare yourself with others” Galatians 6:3-4

    So this is my new goal: I want to start each new day by focusing my eyes on Jesus. I want a heart which is in tune with the Holy Spirit. I want a mind which is contemplating my own work, work which I am actively pursuing and doing. I want my words to be encouragement to others in their journeys. I want my prayers to be an intimate discussion between myself and a Father who loves me more passionately than any human heart could. I want my soul to be thankful, satisfied, and content in everything which I already have.

    I want Jesus to break Envy’s power over me, and the first step is to lose sight of the crowd and keep focused on Him.

    Continuing the adventure,

    Jess

     

  • Then there are times when he gets it right.

    Pastor Matt Brown, of Sandals Church, has recently gotten in trouble for saying some seriously stupid and very hurtful things. I’m not here to try and convince you what he said wasn’t stupid. He knows what he said was stupid. He feels it to his core and has expressed deep remorse.

    The reason I feel compelled to write is not to defend Sandals Church. It isn’t to ‘correct’ those who called Matt out for saying what he said. I feel compelled to write because I have known Matt for over a decade. I know that for every time he has gotten in trouble for saying stupid things from the pulpit, there are hundreds of times he has touched someone’s life with positive messages and conversations. My life included.

    The most recent conversation, I haven’t shared on this blog before. It happened in November. Paul and I had recently returned home from living in Germany for 10 months. We were wounded, exhausted, and pretty gun shy when it came to communities of faith. The reality of Christian life is no church is perfect. Paul and I had been wounded by certain events at Sandals, and wounded by certain things which happened in the community we were a part of in Germany. On top of everything, our homecoming was a really difficult transition, especially for me. I felt overwhelmed and frustrated with God. I was trying to process why it was so difficult to live out my faith within the context of community. So when Paul and I happened to run into Matt at Sports Authority and he invited us to lunch, I was terrified of what would transpire.

    What Matt didn’t know at the time, was that because of my own personal issues and some of the events which happened at various churches throughout my life, I was held captive by a lie. Within the context of church, I believed I was only loved if I was useful. This lie had suffocated me for a long time. It robbed me of joy. It tainted my relationships within the church because I was exhausted with trying to earn my place. So when Paul, Matt and I met for lunch, I was apprehensive of once again being asked to be useful or having my heart demanded of me.

    You can imagine my surprise when, through our entire conversation, Matt didn’t make a single request of me. Instead, he shared a message which God had put on his heart and was exactly what I needed to hear at that moment. He shared about he had known Paul and I for a long time, and how much he missed seeing joy in our lives. He shared that most trips abroad were difficult and did not end well, so there was nothing we should have been ashamed of. Most importantly, he shared that he didn’t know which church we were attending at the time and he didn’t care. He wanted us to know he loved us and would be willing to walk alongside us if we needed him to.

    I liken the conversation to having a cancerous tumor removed. It was an intensely painful conversation. Quiet tears fell from my eyes through most of our time together. Yet, so much healing has come from that day. I finally felt freed from having to prove myself at church. That conversation, and the words which Matt spoke, are a marker for me in my journey to restoration. I would not be experiencing the jubilee which I now have if he had not reached out.

    I am not sharing this story to try and take away the impact of Matt’s words on the LGBT community. It was an offensive joke, and said unthinkingly. What I am trying to do, is to show you a different side of Matt. I hope to shift your perspective a little, because the truth is, my story is not unique. I know there are hundreds of lives which have been positively affected through Matt’s sermons and private conversations with him. This part of him isn’t captured in the edited three minute video which has been shown to the world as evidence of another hateful minister. If you would like to know what Matt is really about, I would encourage you to watch some of the other hundreds of videos of his preaching. I would also encourage you to remember that like the rest of us, one of Matt’s greatest gifts is also his greatest weakness.

    Continuing the adventure,

    Jess

  • Broken of Ambivalence

    Yesterday, our church met for this first time in our new building. Not just any new building, but OUR new building. Our church has been homeless for 12 years, wandering from the hospitality of one location to the next, schlepping and hooking 400 chairs with us as we went. This summer alone we have met in three different locations.

    My attitude when I woke up Sunday morning can be best described as meh.

    You see, God made me to be a wanderer. As a child I was deemed to be a “bag lady” always prepped with whatever four Lego pieces, doll outfit, snippet of string and the color of the moment crayon which I thought I would need all tucked into a small bag ready to go at a moments notice. As I have gotten older, I still have Gypsy soul which always searches the horizon for where my next adventure lies. Currently, I carry in my mind a mental check list of those things which I need to accomplish in order to become a mobility cheetah; ready to spring at any opportunity which comes in my sight.

    So as my church has gone through the arduous task of searching for, purchasing, and renovating a building to call home I have not had much emotional investment. It is mostly a fact to me that we needed a building of our own. I could clearly see the time and creative benefits of not having to set up and tear down a sanctuary each and every week. The money which Paul and I gave was God’s already, so giving it up in answer to the call of funding has been more of another bill to me. I just checked it off every month; utilities, rent, school loans, and building fund.

    Even as I was writing prayers for the church which would be sheltered in the sanctuaries walls, I couldn’t quite catch the bug of enthusiasm that was buzzing in the air. It was just a building, just concrete and rebar, and wood. I didn’t understand.

    So now we are back to Sunday morning, when the pieces started to make a bigger picture. Seeing all of the people who have become my spiritual family housed in one sanctuary set the corner edge. Worshiping with our band, and knowing that we could use as many lights and amps as we wanted because it was our stage started forming the border. Our pastors message, reminding the congregation of the many miracles God had done to bring us to this place filled in the outer edges. The quiet whispers of God in my ear, reminding me that while He made me to wander He made others to set down roots and there is purpose in us all, started giving the image pattern.

    But the final piece, the one that makes the whole picture make sense, is a teenager in shabby clothes holding a worn out pillow case. He timidly accepts the piece of candy which I offer him, eyes full of doubt that it might all be a trick. The evening after our first service in our new building, we hosted Trunk or Treat, a free event in which people from our church decorate their cars and hand out candy. We invited our new neighbors to the event, and we had an amazing turn out. It was humbling to watch the reactions of those who didn’t know who we were, these crazy people dressed up in funny outfits with random decorations strewn across our cars. All laughing, all smiling and handing out candy, to the confusing amazement of people who may not receive many maniac acts of kindness like my church doles out.

    Jesus was a wanderer. Often times, it is this fact which reminds me that I am on the right track, that I don’t need a nest or a fox hole, I just need to keep following Jesus. However, much of Jesus’ ministry was dependent on the hospitality of those who put down roots. People who built homes, who stocked their pantries and then offered those homes and pantries up to God. Where would Mary Magdalen be if a pharisee had not opened their home to Jesus? Where would the timid teenager have been Sunday night if we had not built a home for our church?

    I have learned my lesson. I was not made to set down roots, I am like dandelion seeds which sail the wind. However, I know that whenever the air grows still, I have a family of oaks which I can rest under. Thank you for setting down your roots.
    Continuing the adventure, 

    Jess