Jess Boctor

Tag: Write

  • My Body Tattles on Me #foolishauthenticity

    A few weeks ago I wrote about the decision I made to be at peace-no matter what was happening around me.

    Not as easy as it sounds.

    In many ways I have achieved what I set out to do. The swings from desperation to elation have evened out. I rely on my belief God has me here for a reason. I feel more level and can think a little bit more clearly when a new fill-in-the-blank-issue (and there is always a new issue) arises. I have learned to not let external things control me or dictate my state of mind. 

    I feel at peace. 

    Or at least stable.

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    I realize though that I have not yet learned to completely release these issues, or more importantly, I am not releasing the symptoms of these issues. As much as I love my life and the adventure I am able to participate in, I cannot deny it has been stressful. My body is no longer letting me deny it. 

    I’ve had a interesting range of symptoms from a strange knot in my neck which would not go away for two weeks, to a supressed immune system which is letting me catch every cold floating around, to a migrain which put me out of comission for three days. Paul is beginning to think I am a hypochondriac but I am realizing many of these things are related to stress. It seems I am more than willing to release the outcome of an issue but I am holding onto to the associated stress. Everything from the last few months has been pressed down and compressed within me. It is to the point that it is spilling out through these strange illnesses. I just keep slapping bandages of “decisions to be at peace” over them.

    The bandaids aren’t holding.

    So this week we are moving to our new apartment (Yay!), and afterwards I am taking a day off. A Sabbath of letting go of stress and holding onto my God.

    Continuing the adventure, 

    Jess

  • Rescue Is Possible

    It seems that lately, in every part of my life I meet someone who is struggling with depression. Not the its-grey-outside-so-I’m-feeling-melancholy kind of depression. I mean the hard to escape takes the breath out of your lungs kind of depression.

    My heart aches for these friends.

    Maybe more so because I have been there. I have been through those days where you lock your jaw and just go one with life. I have been through those days when it feels like you are going insane and the only thing which keeps the rage inside is a mask of civility.

    I’ve been there.

    I was thinking about these friends and I remembered a song I wrote as I went through the process of healing. I want to share it in the hopes that they will know rescue and healing is possible. 

    Rescue is possible.

    Continuing the adventure, 

    Jess

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    Rescue Me

    The mask I wear

    Gets heavier every day

    The games I play

    Stopped making sense to me

    The fear I face

    Is fading into the grey

    The beast I fight

    Is waiting inside of me

    The hole is getting darker

    The zoombie is getting stronger

    And I’m getting tired

    So please resuce me

    The story I tell

    They don’t want to hear

    The hell I live

    They refuse to see

    The hole is getting darker

    The zoombie is getting stronger

    And I’m getting tired

    So please resuce me

    Your eyes see through the darkness

    Your light blinds this monster

    And I can’t think of another

    Who can rescue me

    So please

    Please resuce me

  • When Peace is a Decision.

    There are seasons of life when you have to choose to be at peace.

    They are the seasons when no matter how much you hustle or try to be proactive, your future is simply not in your hands. Paul and I have been living this season since our move to Germany. We try to be as proactive as possible only to have some office say they need just one more piece of paper.

    You have to decide to be at peace. You have to choose to not let your circumstances dicate your emotions. You have take the breaths of encouragement when you get them. You have to hold onto them when you dive deep into beaurcractic processes.

    You have to let the tide to take you where you need to go. You have to realize this may not always be the same place as where you want to go. It most definitely won’t be on your time schedule either.

    You have to trust the one who commands the sea.

    [Jesus] replied, “You of little faith, why are you so afraid?” Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm. Matthew 8:26

    Continuning the adventure, 

    Jess

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  • The Journey Part II

    This is the second spoken-word piece I performed. This recording was done the following Sunday. I sway less.

     

    I’m in a new place

    An unfamiliar sanctuary

    All around me, leaves are falling

    Dreams are falling; and I wait to breath

    Until Your Spirit falls on me.

    Across the ocean

    All I have pursued is for Your reign

    To be shown in all I do

    But I don’t believe that I am enough

    So let Your Spirit fall on me.

    This place where I am

    Is far from the place where I was known

    Though through this journey I learn

    You never leave me to walk alone

    So let your Spirit fall on me.

    The way is not simple

    I walk through paths wayward and dim

    The places I stumble mock me

    Daring my strength to give up, give in

    So let Your Spirit fall on me.

    It took so much strength

    Just to bring me this far

    But you’re not done with me yet

    And you will heal all these scars

    So let Your Spirit fall on me.

    A quiet voice calls

    Let go of past lies; they are not true

    And I cry in reply

    “Make me new, make me new, make me new.”

    And let Your Spirit fall on me.

    Because I am learning

    It is by your truth, I can see

    It is by your direction, I can lead

    It is by your Spirit Lord, that I am freed.

    So let Your Spirit fall on me.

     

    Continuing the adventure, 

    Jess

  • The Journey Part I

    I was invited to perform a couple spoken word pieces at Mosaik’s International Food Night on Saturday. The theme of the evening was inspiration. This is the first piece I performed.

     

     

    I was once called air
    Assured it wasn’t meant as offence
    But I couldn’t help the hurt
    As I wanted to be of more substance

    Now I have long been on this journey
    Ten years of attempts to be profound
    But the scenery is looking too familiar
    As I realize I am at the starting ground

    The things I’ve tried to be
    The costumes I’ve tried to wear
    Are starting to have a comic effect
    And people stop to stare

    So I have learned my lesson
    It is best to be my own element
    And if people find me flighty
    It is just because I am different
    But trying to wear their expectations
    Like ballast weighs me down
    And I can no longer fight the feeling
    I am meant for higher ground.

     

    Continuing the adventure, 

    Jessica