So this post title has been sitting in my drafts pile for a while. I’ve been ignoring it, hoping that maybe I can avoid talking about the real me and confessing to you the phantom that I have become.
I can’t.
So grab a box of tissues as I introduce you to the blonde behind the mask and the struggles she faces.
The first one is not to cry first thing in the morning. There are good days and bad days, there are real reasons for crying and bad reasons for crying but in an average week I will cry at least three days of seven if not more. The hardest part is for poor Paul usually our conversations go like this,
P:Why are you crying?
J: I don’t know why I’m crying.
P: What should I do?
J: I don’t know what you should do.
And we both feel helpless and sucky. Lots of times we pray. Sometimes it helps.
The next struggle is to not pretend that I haven’t been crying. Most days I act like nothing has happened and plaster on the “Happy-go-lucky-my-heart-isn’t-really-broken” smile. It kills me each and every time but it is easier then dealing with reality, it is easier then telling people how I really feel and it is most definitely easier then connecting with a God who wants to heal me. Why is it easier? Because if I connect with a God who wants to heal me then I have to admit that something is wrong and it hurts so much…it just does.
The third struggle and the last one for today is to not hate church. I feel like such a hypocrite because I am the one who has built up walls around myself so that no one can see how much I’m dying inside, the only problem is that whenever I see someone who says they love me I just want to scream, “Then why don’t you see I’m dying!”
So that’s the blonde behind the phantom, that’s whats really going on inside. Please pray for me as I continue down this path of healing and I deal daily with my issues.
And today started out as such a good day….
Jess Boctor 
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