American Dating and the Limbo of Love

A circle of parents have recently been discussing the appropriateness of physical relationships for young men and women. I was asked to join in the conversation. I am initially hesitant because, well, I’m not a parent. Anything I write here may be completely contradicted when I have children of my own and my brain is rewired into a “mommy brain”. However, a close friend of mine has encouraged me to give my perspective, since this was an issue which I lived through. So here are my thoughts and ideas on american dating and the limbo of love which our youth find themselves in.

Let us start with physiology. At the age of approxiamtely 12, a young woman’s body tells her, “Let’s make babies.” She begins the process of puberty and according to The Female Brain by Louann Brizendine, her brain literally begins to rewire itself for this purpose. New sensations are running through her, along with a new heightened awareness of why the heck that boy keeps looking at her. Secrets and bonding (think hours on the phone talking about nothing) become emotional crack, and every girl needs a fix. For most girls, by the age of 14 everything is in place for her to leave her parents and cleave to someone else.

Yet in American culture, we tell her she isn’t ready (despite thousands of years of evidence to the contrary) and prolong the limbo of physical preparedness and cultural acceptance 10-15 years. Think about it, the age which is considered “acceptable” to get married is being pushed farther and farther back. There are more requirements now for people to be considered ready: college, a good job, a house, traveling, etc. I am not trying to promote selling girls off as baby making property once they have their first period, but we have to consider the situation for what it is. In American culture, the delay in getting married is compensated for by the fact that it is considered normal and okay to start having sex at a young age (15-17) as long as you are “responsible”. However, God calls us to a higher standard, one of purity. As a church we tell young men and women, “Yes, God designed and created you to have those crazy wonky feelings you are having right now, but we don’t want you to grow up yet, so lets just pretend they aren’t there for another 10 years.” 10 years, by the way, is an eternity to a teenage brain. Then we wonder why so many of our youth aren’t making it.

So what’s the solution?

First, pray.

Pray, pray, pray. Oh, and keep praying. In my wild and rebellious days (okay, so I didn’t have so many of those, maybe we should say my brain rewiring days) nothing helped keep me in check more than the fact my parents told me on a regular basis, “We pray every day that if you do something wrong you get caught.” I just didn’t think it was worth it to go toe to toe with the Holy Spirit. The protection and nagging of the Holy Spirit is the best thing you can give your kids. So pray.

Second, educate yourself.

I highly recommend reading The Female Brain by Louann Brizendine. It is a concise layman’s look into how a woman’s brain works, the changes they go through from birth through menopause, and exactly why it is we are crazy. Admit it girls, we are a little cooky.

Third, talk about it.

One of the best things my parents did was to continually have conversations with me, about anything and everything. We talked about God, sex, culture, politics, whatever. If I was watching Dawsons Creek, they were watching it with me and discussing the dysfunction of the relationships which the show presented. Don’t be foolish enough to think if they aren’t talking about sex with you, they aren’t talking about it. If your child has any contact with the outside world, someone somewhere is talking about it. Jr high is a pool of lewd jokes and innuendos. Be a part of the conversation to let your teenagers know God’s plan for their physical relationships. Remind them, they shouldn’t be out there looking for someone to have a good time with, they should be looking for who they want to marry.

Also, make sure there are other people in your kids lives who you trust and are having the conversation as well. I was 15 the first time Paul kissed me. We made it through to our wedding date three years later with our virginity intact, but a review of our letters and my journals would tell you it was a hard line to hold. There weren’t a lot of people asking me the hard questions, and hardly anyone asking them of Paul. I hope that when I have kids and they begin having relationships, I will be able to ensure they are surrounded with people who will be helping them to hold the line of their purity.

As a side note, this is an age where teens (girls especially) can start to pull away from their parents, be defiant and secretive. Don’t give up on them, just take a deep breath and tell yourself, “Their brain is not wired properly.” If you can stick it out, it will get better.

Fourth, give your daughter an identity.

This is something which God has been laying on my heart heavily lately. Young women need to know they have their own identities. If you help your daughters find out who they are in Christ and what purpose God gave them, they won’t let some boy take advantage of them. If you do not help the young women in your life find their identity, they will find it in a boy. Even if they have a pure relationship physically, when the relationship ends that girl will find herself lost without that boy. The fallout will be great. Women need to know, they are not defined by the men in their lives, they are accented by them. A woman’s strength and struggles are her own, no matter who she marries. She needs to know what they are. 

Fifth, be a part of the relationship.

If you want to know what is going on in the lives of the young lovebirds on your couch, ask them! Do activities together, get to know the young man and invest in him. Don’t think cold disapproval will deter your daughter (whose brain is not correctly wired) from the one her hormones has picked out. If there are serious objections to the relationship, go back to step four and explain why she deserves better.

It might be tempting to think it would be easier to just go back to having kids get married as soon as they are able, the reality is our culture as a church has been so influenced by American culture of “postpone marriage” that it doesn’t work. Paul and I got married when I was 18, Paul celebrated his 21st birthday on our honeymoon. I literally graduated high school, got married and started college in the summer of 2003. I would be very leery of recommending anyone follow in my foot steps. Why? Was marriage too hard? No, marriage is always going to be hard.

There just wasn’t a place for us. 

I didn’t fit into the youth group because I was getting married in a few months, and frankly, people told me I was crazy enough at school. I didn’t want to hear it at youth group as well. Once we were married, most people our age were in the singles groups, so we didn’t fit in there. Marriage groups were mostly full of people who had been married the same amount of time as we had, but who were older, had jobs with stable income (something we are still working towards haha) and kids. We didn’t fit in there either. There was a lot of growing pain as Paul and I tried to figure out exactly where we belonged.

Oh yeah, and people were rude.

Complete strangers would make off handed comments about how I was crazy for “throwing my life away”. They questioned my ability to think rationally. They almost always assumed I had been pregnant when we were married, or there was some other tragic circumstance which forced us into the situation.

No, we actual
ly just loved each other.

It was tough, and completely unexpected how negitively people reacted to my young marriage. How isolating it was. So I would not recommend young marriage unless the couple already had a strong group of supporters, or there has been a culture shift in how the church treats young marriages.

So there are my thoughts on dating and limbo.

Continuing the adventure,

Jessica