I fear my own vanity.

My internal monologue has taken a direction towards the Shakespearean tragedy today. Specifically around the indecisive prince; Hamlet.

Just as the young prince was haunted and shamed by his dead father; I have my own appiration to face. A double edged sword which those closest to me have termed, “Jessie do it.”

You see, this undaunted belief that I can do anything has given me amazing opportunities and allowed me to try without (much) fear of failure. At the same time it has also placed me in situations where I have had to live with the consequences of being brave and of risk. When you have no fear of failure there is usually a trail of it following you around somewhere.

This can lead to a manic and indecisive life, a question of to be or not to be always plaguing the mind. To risk or not to risk making your heart doubt.

So what does this have to with vanity?

It would be my undoing.

When you risk you have to have something to back it up with. You have to believe that you’re up for the challenge. As an artist you have to believe you have something to offer.

It takes balls.

So what gives an artist their courage? It either comes from within or from an external source. In my case it has to come from God.

If I ever lose sight of the fact that I am on this path because I have trusted God and who He made me to be then my only option will to turn to vanity. To fill my head with ideas of how amazing I am. To repeat to myself false self assurances and pep talks, and to be constantly sweeping my trail of failure under the rug.

To me that just seems exhausting, and exhaustion is a lifestyle I am all too well acquainted. So I will keep the author of my story at the forefront of my mind as I continue the adventure and run from vanity.

Jess